The Private Diary of Harry Potter
by dark whispering wind
Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HPDM. Part IIRight Into The Looking Glass
1. Chapter 1

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM. R&R Please

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 1: October 30**

Today I saw him again. Well of course I see him everyday, but today…today he was beautiful. There was a dance and his robe was exquisite, it made him look really handsome. Of course his family has a lot of money, he can spend whatever he wants to make himself look great. But he carries every robe with such style it makes me want to reach out and grab him in my arms and … and then what? I don't know.

I don't understand what has come over me. I never have been attracted to a guy in my life. When the rumor that he might be gay first came to my ears I laughed thinking it couldn't be true. Draco Malfoy gay? No way. Pansy, Millicent and tons of other girls are always all over him. But then I overheard Blaise talking about it with Marcus…talking about what he and Draco had done and I knew it was true.

Blaise, Marcus and Draco are best mates and it would be pointless for them to pass lies among one another. Marcus is openly gay although very circumspect and Blaise…well Blaise is basically a sex maniac…he'll do anyone and everyone from what I can tell. His only requirement seems to be that they be beautiful.

After overhearing what Blaise had said, something like excitement began growing within my soul; I began to dream that perhaps the feelings of attraction I have for Draco were not entirely doomed. If Draco was gay, then it was possible that he might eventually return some of the feelings of attraction I was feeling for him.

I wasn't and am still not sure what it would mean if he did return those feelings…I don't know what I want from him or for us at this point, I only know that he fills my mind far too much of the time and whenever I see him, my heart starts beating like mad. I was further encouraged when Draco and I ran into one another by chance in the hallway outside of the library late one evening. I could have sworn he looked at me with something like desire or maybe it was lust in his eyes. However, I may have been dreaming – perhaps I was merely being overly hopeful.

All we ever do, all we have ever done is fight. We see each other and our wands just seem to naturally fall into our hands. Actually that is not altogether true; there was a time during the war when he came over to our side and things between us actually took on a semblance of normalcy for a short while. I saw a side of Draco that I didn't realize existed and amazingly I was beginning to like my old arch enemy. But that didn't last; the moment we returned to Hogwarts, everything went back to being as it was before between us – as if there had been no intervening war.

I don't know why I am even writing this down. I guess because I think I am discovering something about myself I didn't know before. That I can actually be attracted to a man; to Draco. Since the end of the war, since the day I killed Lord Voldemort, I have been discovering lots of new things about myself. Things I never had time to consider before, like my feelings about things. That was why I broke it off with Ginny. That was how I came to realize that the person I thought I hated the most in life, I don't hate at all. I am not sure of the extent of my feelings, but they certainly have nothing to do with hate.

Hermione and Ron would die if I told them. They have known me for nine years. How do I tell them that now that we are twenty years old, now that we finally get to start our lives again after the war, now that we have returned to Hogwarts to finish our final year after all, that I am attracted to Draco…that the hero of the war is more than likely gay?

But I am not even sure I am gay. Girls do turn me on and I loved making love with Hermione. But maybe it was just a quirk. If Hermione and Ron hadn't broken up badly like that after the war, if she hadn't come to me crying all of the time and we had not been alone together so much; I don't know if we would have ever made love. It was wonderful with her. I can't believe we stopped making love. I still think I might be a little in love with her, even though most of the time I don't think about her anymore. But we never did make a commitment and now it has been nearly two months since we last made love.

Our relationship here at Hogwarts seems to have returned to normal, like it was before; three friends. Only now there actually is a difference with one of us. Now one of us doesn't agree on something major. Now one of us doesn't hate the ex-death eater prince of Slytherin. I yell at him, I curse at him, I send hexes at him and he still has the power to make me angrier than anyone else in the world.

And that is the whole existence between us and yet, when I see him and even while we are in the midst of exchanging nasty put downs, my heart starts pumping so hard I can feel it and I want to reach out and touch the mouth that is screaming at me, grab the arm that is sending hexes my way and stand as close as I can to him so that he can…well I guess so that he can do to me what Blaise described he did to him.

Maybe I am going insane, I shouldn't be writing this down, even with the vanishing spell someone may find it and see it. And tell him about it. I would be mortified.

And yet...I am a Potter. I know my parents are watching me from the afterworld. Long before the war I began to really understand what Dumbledore meant when he said I could always find them inside myself. I think that is the only reason I don't go insane. I know they wouldn't disapprove of me if it turns out these feelings mean I am gay. I feel my mum's sympathy and understanding - and my dad's understanding and impatience at my equivocating. I can feel him rolling his eyes and demanding I just get on with it already and I even feel my beloved godfather, Sirius, joining him in that sentiment. But despite all of that, I remain confused. Get on with what exactly?

**November 5**

Well if I wasn't sure before I am 100 percent certain now. I am completely insane. We had a fight today. Draco started it like he generally does. He called Hermione a Mudblood and Ron and I drew our wands. It was two against one though so I put my wand away. But Draco hexed Ron and Ron went flying into a tree and that left me. Of course I drew my wand again, Draco expected me to do so and he was turning to me when Ron went down.

I sent a hex first and it hit is leg. He cried out in pain but at the time I was happy about it. Ron was lying next to the tree moaning and looked to be in pain. I wanted to inflict the same pain on Draco. But Draco hexed me back while he was reaching for his leg and it was another of those knocking hexes and I went flying as Ron had, but there was nothing around so I just hit the ground. My head hit the ground and Draco made it over to me before anyone else, even Hermione.

When I opened my eyes only a few seconds after I fell, his face was inches from my face. I thought my heart was going to blow up. It was awful. I should have reached out and choked him and I would have if it had been last year or even last month. But these weird feelings I have for him, well they took over because his eyes were near mine and his nose too and his lips. I could have kissed him he was so close. I wanted to; I remember thinking that in the flash of a second before he started snarling at me. He said a lot of nasty things, things I don't remember because I couldn't hear. I could only feel his breath near my lips. There was hatred in his eyes, but I just kept seeing how grey they were. It was awful; it was like I was helpless.

Hermione thought I was hurt, she hexed him from behind and he fell away grabbing his arm this time. I hadn't done much to his leg, just a stunning jinx, but Hermione had sent some kind of curse that caused his arm to swell and he ran off after that to the hospital wing, shouting curses at us and threatening revenge. But I just laid there, his face that had been so close still before my eyes which had closed by then. Hermione came and made me snap out of it or I don't think I ever would have.

**November 11**

God I am in pain tonight. I had to write. I wasn't going to write anymore. I was going to try and forget this obsession I have with Draco Malfoy. But tonight in the great hall, he walked in and I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. It was so bad that Ron noticed. He said he thought I was planning some type of catastrophe for Malfoy. I laughed and said I was. But of course it was a lie.

My heart felt like it was going to pop right out of my chest, like all of the blood in my body was moving through it at once. I don't know why tonight it was like that but it was. And then he looked at me. I should have turned away but I couldn't for some reason. I wanted him to see me and now I am glad I didn't but it frightens me that I didn't. He looked at me and at first his eyes were derisive like always.

I have no idea what expression was on my face but his changed. He looked surprised for a moment and then there was that other look. The one that has me writing. It was that look of desire I thought I saw before but wasn't sure. But tonight I am sure. It was and it was hungry. I looked away after that. I don't know what he thinks now. I am sweating as I write because I am so nervous at what I have done. And I haven't done anything at all really.

**November 12**

He knows. He has to know. I was alone in the bathroom when he walked in. I was looking in the mirror because I thought I might have destroyed part of my eyebrow in potions. Neville said I did while I was in class, but it looked fine to me. When Draco walked into the bathroom, also alone our eyes met in the mirror. We always look at each other with hatred and I was prepared to do so again.

Something made me wait for him to pull the first face but it when it came I was in shock. It wasn't hate at all. It was that same look of desire. I think my face was impassable at the time he looked at me, but afterwards I think I looked at him with desire too because he smiled. Not the sarcastic smile I am used to but a seductive smile I have not seen before. I reached down for my school bag and walked out of the bathroom. I was scared. Scared he may have seen my look, scared at what he might do next. I wish I hadn't run out.

**November 15**

I avoided Draco. I never avoid Draco. I hadn't seen him for three days. Everyone is saying I am acting weird and I know I am but I just say I am tired. I've been a mess. Then today we were in DADA class and as usual, I sat behind Draco. I skipped DADA the day before yesterday so I didn't have to see him. But I had to go today. My heart started its weird beating just from looking at his back.

Snape told me to stay after so that he could yell at me about something or other. I wasn't listening to him because Draco had stayed too. He sat smirking in a desk across from where I stood. It was all so normal. Then Snape was looking at me and I figured he had finished and I was very respectful to him, maybe for the first time in my life. I had no choice. I didn't know what he had said. I just said 'yes professor Snape' and hoped it would be ok.

Snape seemed satisfied and he went into his office at the back of the classroom. I stood putting my books away and I didn't look at Draco at all. However, Draco stood up and began slowly walking to where I was standing. I felt my legs growing weak as he drew near, but I tried to control my emotions and concentrate on getting my schoolbag together.

He stood very close to me and when he spoke his voice was almost a whisper, 'I've seen you looking at me lately,' he drawled, his voice sounded like he was either taunting me or teasing me, I couldn't figure it out. I didn't answer; I didn't even look at him. A few seconds later he added, 'I know why you have been looking at me.' His voice had grown kind of husky. And then it happened. I'll never forget it. He kissed my cheek. It was quick, just a small quick kiss, but my heart felt like it was going to explode it started beating so hard. I was suddenly horribly embarrassed and I didn't know what to do.

Without thinking, I reflexively whipped out my wand and pointed it at him. I think my face looked scared though instead of frightening, because he just laughed. He didn't even draw his wand. He just laughed at me and then he started walking out. And at the door he turned and looked at me, 'you are twenty years old Potter?' he asked with the smirk back in place across his features. I didn't answer and moments later he turned and left. I realized I was breathing really heavy. I don't know if I was when he was there but the whole thing was god awful. I don't know what he meant by the twenty years old thing. I don't know what to do now. I don't know what he will do next. I keep thinking of Ron and Hermione and I keep touching my face, I can't seem to stop touching my face where his lips were.

**November 17**

God how I wish I could have today replay itself a million times. We had a match against Slytherin this afternoon. The game was fairly uneventful until the end. Draco and I were after the snitch. I swear my mind was entirely on the game, even when he was flying right beside me. I am so used to him attempting to hex me while we are seeking that out of habit I continuously look at him out of the corner of my eye and I was doing so today.

We finally caught up with the snitch and we were both stretched over our brooms, reaching for the small golden ball. My hand was in front by less than a centimeter, I was about to grasp the snitch when I made the mistake of looking at Draco out of the corner of my eye and in that moment he blew me a kiss with just his lips. I lost it, my heart started up and my hand reflexively jerked back a little allowing him to capture the snitch. I was heartbroken as always and immediately flew down where my friends awaited to commiserate with me over the loss.

But I hadn't really lost, I had won, the snitch was in my hand, I could taste it, until he blew the kiss. He knew exactly what he was doing. However, that was not the part of this day I would care to replay, although the kiss, I liked the blown kiss very much. But the part I would like to re-live again and again happened after the game. I was depressed and took an extraordinarily long time changing from my game robes.

I told Ron to go back to the castle without me and it took convincing, god is he stubborn, but he finally left me. However, I was not depressed over the game; my feelings of despondency were tied to that kiss Draco had blown. It was as if he was toying with me somehow and there was nothing I could do about it. I sat for quite some time thinking about the kiss and wondering if there were more to it than a ploy to win the game.

When I finally walked out of the changing rooms, all of Slytherin seemed to be on the field surrounding Draco, clapping him on the back, congratulating him and doing everything else they always do following a win. Then someone saw me and they all started taunting me. That doesn't bother me at all, even though it was a crowd. It happens from time to time. I just rolled my eyes and kept going. Suddenly I heard Draco yell something; I recognized his tone over the other voices calling out, although I couldn't make out what he was saying. I was certain it was just another nasty comment so I kept walking.

When he suddenly appeared at my side, flanked by Blaise and another friend from the team, I nearly pulled my wand on him. However, it would have been a crazy move; I was greatly out numbered…even if with the power I have amassed since the war I might have been able to handle the lot of them. Nonetheless, that power I reserve for wartime and Quidditch game taunting cannot be equated to war, so I just kept walking and tried to ignore them. Draco leaned toward me and told me I sucked at Quidditch, which I know I don't so that didn't bother me either.

But while he was leaning over he slipped a note in my hand. I don't think anyone saw him do it and I didn't react as I clutched the small paper in my fist, except for a slight widening of my eyes. I turned and screamed back at him, calling him a jerk or something. Hell I don't remember what I said now; all I could think of was the note.

I walked away quickly after screaming and made my way to the lake. I didn't look at the note until I was at the shore. It just had one little line that I read over and over again. "Meet me tomorrow at 6 at the woods near Hagrid's." I nearly died when I read it and I am still nearly dying. I know I shouldn't go. I know this has something to do with the desire. I don't know if I want it. And yet I don't think wild dragons could stop me from going. I don't know what I will do. I might hex him and leave. I might not. I am not even sure what he wants or if he will show up. Maybe it is a joke because he knows how I feel and he is toying with me…maybe I am completely mistaken about any desire on his part.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 2: **

**November 18**

What have I done? I am in a near state of madness now. I told Ron and Hermione I was sick and skipped dinner and I just sit here. I've been sitting here three hours and it was all so poignant to me I couldn't even write. I went; I met Draco at 6 like he asked. I was there before 6, I don't know how long, it seemed like forever but it had to be near 6. I thought he wasn't going to show up but he did. I heard someone coming before I saw him, I was standing just inside of the forest near a tree. I think I was hiding; hiding from him maybe hiding from myself and certainly hiding from Hagrid. There was smoke coming out of Hagrid's place and if he saw me I would have been horrified.

I became really scared when I heard someone coming; I thought it might be him. Then I started thinking it might be someone else and then he would come and that would be worse. But it was him and he was walking fast, so fast he almost passed me when he arrived. But then he saw me and he stopped suddenly a little ways from me.

My heart started up again and I tried to keep a straight face but it was growing very hot, I am sure it was beet red. I don't know if he could tell, it was kind of dark under the tree and in the forest behind me. He stood there staring at me for a moment and I had planned what I would say so I said it. 'What do you want Malfoy?' I remarked using the nasty tones we always employ with one another, but my heart wasn't in it and I am sure he could tell. In fact I am certain he could because he laughed again. It was a low, rolling laugh and I remember feeling scared again. Then he said to me 'I think the question is what do you want Potter.' And I just stared at him. His tone had been purely questioning, there was no innuendo in it, nothing for me to make out of it.

I could hear myself breathing all of the sudden and I had a feeling he could hear it as well. He started laughing again, he was laughing at me I think. Then he said 'I know what you want Potter'. And that is when I pulled my wand. God knows why I pulled my wand. I was so damn embarrassed and I didn't know what else to do.

He pulled his too but he didn't send a jinx nor did I we just stood there aiming them at one another for a few moments and then my flipping hand started shaking and he saw it. He laughed again and put his wand away and in a commanding voice he said, 'put your wand away potter'. So I did.

And that is when he laid it out on the table. 'If you want it Potter,' he said arrogantly, 'you have to ask for it.' I swear to God I almost did. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask or just say 'I want it' because I don't really know what I was asking for. But I lost my ability to speak. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. He stood looking at me a long time and then he just turned and started walking away.

I wanted to call him back I wanted to curse him and make him stop walking away, but I couldn't. What the hell is wrong with me?

**November 19**

I followed Draco today. We have a lot of the same NEWT classes; he is going to be an Auror also. But our classes are not all together. It didn't matter to me that I was late for almost all of mine. My only goal was to say those words to him, "I want it". But there was no opportunity, he was never alone.

His best friends, Blaise and Marcus were around him almost the entire day. I am going to tell him tomorrow, if there is no opportunity I will make one. Something in me is making this urgent now. I think I will have a heart attack unless I tell him. Hermione told me that I looked ill and advised me to lie down and rest. I didn't argue; I left indicating that I would follow her advice and continued to follow Draco around, hoping to catch him alone. However, I never did. I finally returned to my room when he moved off toward Slytherin house and I could no longer follow him.

**November 21**

God it happened. It finally happened. My heart is still beating wildly and it was thirty minutes ago or maybe longer. I've lost track of time, it is off somewhere dancing with my mind which is equally lost. I followed Draco for two whole days and I was going to give up and try to develop a new plan when I finally found him alone. I followed him into the bathroom.

He went in and I waited a minute then followed. He was washing his hands when I entered and his eyes met mine in the mirror before him. We were alone. His mouth, that devilish mouth of his turned into a smile when he saw me. I wanted to touch his lips with my fingers; I wanted to put my finger in his mouth. I love his mouth. I didn't say anything at first and he turned and looked at me. And even though I was a wreck, a scared mess and my heart was going to give out any second, I finally managed to mutter the words I had repeated for nearly 72 hours straight in my head.

'I want it' I said. It was barely audible, I barely could hear myself. I wondered if I had actually said it out loud it was so soft. But I had because he just said 'I know' and then he moved to where I was standing. I thought I was going to fall over I was so scared. I don't even know what I was scared of. His face was so close, his grey eyes looked like there was light in them, beaming from them and his lips were parted slightly and I wanted to lean in the last few inches and make them meet mine but I was too frightened.

However, I didn't have to do anything, a moment later he had pressed his lips against mine and I almost fell down. But I didn't. I stood there as if under the Perfectus Totalus curse. Maybe he held his lips to mine one second; maybe it was two years. It was long enough for my heart to explode and my hands to start sweating. But then he pulled slowly backward and looked at me with that devilish look he gets, but he was smiling too. And he said 'you're so young Potter'. I didn't understand. We are the same age but for a couple of months. But when he said it I wanted to apparate away. I was so embarrassed I almost pulled my wand again, but I didn't of course. I felt lost and at the same time I felt something bursting inside of me; a happiness I haven't felt before in my life. I still feel it; my heart is still drumming like mad.

He drew his thumb along my cheek and walked out of the bathroom and I just stood there. I closed my eyes and just replayed the moment a thousand times before I finally went to the common room. Hermione and Ron called out to me, but I came up without stopping to speak with them. I can't face them now. I don't know what I am going to do. He knows! I don't trust him, he might tell everyone and if he does I don't know how I will face anyone, Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore…

**November 22**

The angst I was feeling as mellowed to some degree. Now I just want to kiss him like I kissed Hermione, but I think he thinks I am too young, maybe in sexual matters? I don't know what he means. I am not young I am just scared. I don't know what to do, how to do this. Maybe he doesn't realize that, but he must know. Today I saw him. He was beautiful, I couldn't stop looking at him but I had to be careful. He didn't look at me at all. I'm depressed. I need him to look at me. I need him to kiss me again. I will kiss him next time, god if there is a next time. There has to be. I will go mad if there is no next time. I am not young, I just need another chance.

**November 25**

It's been too many days. I am in hell. I have tried to act in a more normal fashion and I think Hermione and Ron think I am alright again. I couldn't continue to follow Draco around, he is hardly ever alone in any case. While Crabbe and Goyle are no longer associates of his, Blaise and Marcus or one of his other housemates are always about him. I can't find him alone. So I wrote him a note today. I put it in his hand. I told him to meet me tonight. In 30 minutes I'll know if he has come. God I hope he comes.

He came! And I am in heaven. I had no idea that I could feel this way. I think all of these years I have hated him it has been a lie. I think I must have known from the start, that the feelings of hatred were a mask. He met me in the bathroom. It was a stupid place to meet I know that. I don't know why I said the bathroom, now that I think about it that was maybe the most ignorant thing I have ever done. Anyone could have come. Ron could have come in.

But no one came except Draco and when he arrived I did it this time. I walked straight up to him without a word and I kissed him. I think I shocked him, he was tense at first, but then he started pressing my lips as I was pressing his. It was magical I swear it was magical. My heart was beating so fast, so loud, I am sure he could hear it. He didn't pull away this time and I wasn't going to pull away either, maybe never. And then the most incredible thing occurred. He moved his tongue against my lips.

It was the most delicious feeling in the world. I think I went momentarily crazy because without thinking I did what he had done. I moved my tongue across his lips. They were terribly soft and tasted like candy, perhaps sweeter than candy. I felt a shiver move up my spine and my legs became a little weak. I was dancing with angels and didn't think I could be happier when suddenly his lips opened and somehow carried mine open with them.

Draco started kissing me again but this time his tongue was in my mouth and I remember my heart took off again and I began kissing him back, and he kept making the kiss deeper and I kept letting him. It was nothing like kissing Hermione; it was madder, wilder, and crazier. I think I almost had a heart attack. I didn't know what to do with my hands. He wasn't touching me. I always used my hands with Hermione. I hugged her, I touch her breasts, her body and her face. But I was still too scared to touch him. I just kept kissing him. I didn't want to stop – ever.

Then I felt his hands on my waist and I felt myself go very weak; I started to breath heavy again and I had to pull my mouth away. I think I had forgotten to breathe because I was gasping for air. He kept hold of my waist while I stood recapturing my breath. Once I had, I looked at him and he was staring at me. God the look on his face! That damned look of desire again. I wanted to take his face and keep it with me for ever.

I don't know what face I had going, but he started smiling at me. I felt like I was going to melt. That is when he said 'I would make you understand if I could, but I can't.' I was and I am still completely confused by those words. I have no idea what he meant. But like the last time, I had lost my voice again. I just stared at him breathing kind of heavy still and feeling his hands on my waist. He leaned in and kissed me again. It was soft and I wanted to kiss him again desperately, but it was a quicker kiss this time. He let go of my waist then and he backed a way a bit.

I remember I was staring at his mouth, he must have thought I was crazy. I met his eyes after a few seconds and noted that they still held desire, I am sure it was desire. He moved his thumb on my cheek like he had the last time and then he left. I just stood there afterward and I threw my hands to my face. I felt so lost. I still feel lost. I have no idea what I am doing. But I am going to skip dinner again tonight. I can still taste his mouth and I just want to lay here and taste the flavor of his mouth all night.

**November 26**

God I don't know how I am surviving. I have hardly eaten anything in two days. I went to day with Ron to eat lunch and he was there. I didn't know what I would do when I saw Draco again, but I should have known. My heart started racing and my hands were trembling; I noticed because when I put my school bag on the ground it was shaking. I made myself calm down; I didn't want Ron to notice.

I sat down and my food appeared and I made myself eat. I have to eat or I will get sick. My body is bigger than before the war, my muscles have developed, I am taller, I know I need food, more than before. The food tasted like cardboard but I kept eating it anyway. I hadn't looked at him since entering, I was being very careful. But then I did, I looked at Ron and he was talking to Dean and I snuck a peak at Draco. To my surprise, he was staring at me and our eyes met. I almost puked. I don't know why I almost puked but my stomach lurched and I thought I would be sick. But thankfully I wasn't.

After the stomach-jerk I dropped my eyes a little and I saw his hands, the large beautiful hands that had been on my waist. I am not going to bother to discuss what happened during the rest of the lunch, it doesn't matter. What matters is what I want to write about. I left when Draco stood up. I told Ron I had a meeting with McGonagall and I started moving fast.

I went into the entrance hall and I knew he was behind me. I headed for one of the hallways; I was praying he would follow me. I wasn't sure if he had until I felt pressure on my arm. I knew it was him before I turned. There were people around so I jerked my arm away and looked at him a little evilly, but I know it had to have been the weakest evil look I have ever given. He whispered 'Follow me' and giving me a nasty look he took off. I looked around but no one seemed to be paying us any attention. But just in case I screwed my face up like I might chase and hex him and took off after his fleeing form.

He started up the staircases, I followed. I don't know what level he walked to I was just watching his feet. He took off down a corridor and it was empty and I followed. He walked to a tapestry on the wall and pulled it back and moved behind it.

Looking behind me I repeated his actions and found myself in a semi dark inner corridor. I vaguely remembered it, I had been there before but I don't remember when. I walked in slowly, I could see him ahead, he had stopped and turned and was waiting for me. I forced my feet forward, I was petrified. It was dark, it was private and it was likely going to stay that way. I reached him and I couldn't make out his face very well in the light but I could see his mouth. The mouth I had dreamed about since yesterday.

He didn't seem to be moving and I thought he might be waiting for me to kiss him again, but I was intimidated once again. However, I knew I had to do something so I reached and put my fingers against his lips. They felt so soft and they were a little moist. He parted his mouth while I touched them and I had a mad desire to put my finger inside but I didn't. I just kept touching his lips.

Then he whispered my name, my whole name. I don't think he has ever said my first name in his life, at least not in front of me. At first I was kind of astonished but then my heart picked up its pace again and the most idiotic thing happened. I started thinking about who I was. It is me, Harry Potter, the boy who lived, the chosen one, the one who defeated Lord Voldemort. I became really frightened then. Everything I do has consequences; it means things for others not just me. I remember my eyes started to sting and I felt them filling up.

It was a strange reaction; it is still a strange reaction to me now. But even stranger to me was Draco's response to my thoughts. I snapped back to attention when he started talking and I noticed my fingers had stopped moving. I was just pressing my fingers against his lips. He was whispering. 'It is ok to be who you are Harry. All of who you are."

I know he had to have seen my look of surprise then. My eyes went wide and I think my mouth fell open. I know he is very tight with Snape. I thought maybe he had used the legilimens spell and had read my mind. How else would he know to say that right then? After my initial surprise, his words served to calm me though. It was like he understood some of my fear, maybe all of it.

I let my hand fall from his lips and I kind of suddenly reached up and jammed my glasses onto my head and bent forward. I think he leaned forward too, I don't know but moments later our lips met again. I felt something begin to burn in my chest and I think I may have moved to fast because I as I drove my tongue between his still slightly parted lips, it hit his teeth for a moment before it moved into the warmth of his mouth. I fell back into heaven and onto a cloud when his tongue started moving with mine.

It tasted delicious, like something so delicious it was forbidden. But that made it taste even sweeter. Then he started moving his hands along my arms. I swear it was only seconds, but it was probably longer before I began to feel hotter than I had ever felt in my life. I was so uncomfortable I wanted to reach down and unfasten my pants. But I couldn't of course, I was far too timid.

Instead I moved my hands to his waist as he had done to me. That only made matters worse. I thought I was going to explode. And then he moved a hand between us to my chest and started rubbing it through my robe. It was so hot it felt like it was touching my skin. I started breathing hard through my nose while we kissed, almost frantically; trying to contain myself. Did he know? I don't know.

If he had of known, I don't know if he would have done what he did. But he let his hand fall, down until he was touching my thigh. He began to rub it; I think his hand moved along it as far as he could reach three or four times before I lost it. I felt myself lose control; it happened so fast, like a bomb just ticked down the last few seconds and exploded. But it was me who was exploding within my pants.

My mouth disconnected from his then, and I was breathing jagged breaths into his face. He leaned back slightly and moved his hands to my face and cupped my head with them. I could feel his fingers touching my ears and his palms against my chin. And I stood their feeling wave after wave run through me. I could feel my heart pumping wildly and my breathing was still very heavy when the waves ended. And I was mortified. I don't think I have ever been so embarrassed in my life. I closed my eyes.

But he pulled on my face and leaned toward me and kissed me again. I remember it feeling very wet and very beautiful and it calmed me a little. But I was still embarrassed. When he stopped kissing me I turned and I walked out of the corridor as fast as I could. I don't know why I did that. I probably should not have. But I had to. My mind was a mess and I was physically a mess too.

I came up right away and I cleaned myself and then I sat and wrote to you, Diary. I had to write before I find Ron and Hermione to study because I can't face them until I release a little of the fire that is still burning in my soul. I think I will have to wait a little while longer.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 3: **

**November 27**

God I hexed him today. I hexed Draco. Now I want to hex myself. I can't believe I didn't realize in that moment that I was doing more than giving him temporary pain. Why I didn't realize I was ruining my life. He was with Blaise. Now thinking more logically I think I was jealous. I know what they have done together. It is what I want him to do with me.

But at the time I wasn't thinking about that, it didn't cross my mind. He was standing close to Blaise and they were talking quietly. And Hermione and I walked by and I did my usual careful glance at his mouth. It was moving and I saw his lips as if in slow motion and I wanted to reach out and touch his lips. But I looked away quickly.

I remember I began to feel very irritated and agitated but I didn't know why really. Hermione and Draco had gotten into it earlier in Defense class. Draco started it, but I couldn't hear them very well. They were next to each other and I was on the other side of Ron. But they went at it with the nasty comments for a while. She was with me when we passed Draco and Blaise in the hall and she made a derisive noise and said 'let's get out of here before I get sick.'

And Draco was…well he was Draco. He said 'shut it Mudblood' and although hearing him use that term always made me instinctively draw my wand in the past, I had curbed that reflexive action to some degree after the battles. When Ron is not with me, I can usually control myself better when it happens; I just grab Hermione and keep going. Draco knows that; I've done it several times when it is just she and I. I think he expected us to keep walking.

However, I was already feeling irritated and I immediately drew my wand and the jinx flew before I thought about what I was doing. It hit Draco in the face; it was the simple pox jinx. His face was suddenly covered in ugly red bumps as I expected and I knew they were stinging his face. He threw his hands to his face and gave a breathy grunt.

The moment I sent the jinx I wanted to pull it back, and I screamed 'no!' I am sure everyone thought I meant 'no' as in don't call Hermione that, but I was talking to myself. Chastising myself for what I had just done. Draco looked at me for an instant through his hands after the curse had hit, but I couldn't make out his expression at all. Then he went running for the hospital wing I think.

I just stood there; the terrible thing I had done causing pain and fear to began washing through my soul. I put my wand away because I felt my hand starting to shake. Hermione said something I didn't hear and started walking and I sort of just imitated her; I was on remote control, in some kind of horrible haze of doom.

I have never been so depressed before in my life. I feel like a black cloud has fallen on top of me and swallowed me. I don't know how I made it through the rest of the day. I didn't see him again and I am terrified that now he will stop everything. God I am having trouble breathing even now thinking about it. I am miserable. I don't want to go eat, I am not hungry.

But mostly I don't want to take the chance that I will see him and see hatred in his eyes instead of the desire I have been seeing. I keep thinking I won't touch his mouth again, I won't feel his tongue again and something inside of me is slowly dying at the thought. I don't know what I can do. Maybe nothing.

I want to take the moment back; I want to cast the curse on myself; god what I wouldn't do to be able to reverse the hours on the clock. I need to feel his hands on my body again, I need to feel him do for me what he did for Blaise. And I think I may have lost that chance forever.

He might even be angry enough to tell everyone about me; about what we did together. It scares me but in a way it is almost unimportant to me now. Not being with him again is a much worse penalty for what I did. I can't seem to stop these damn tears from falling. They have been falling since I closed the curtain on my bed. I guess it is because I was feeling like my life had just begun again; and now it feels as if it is completely over.

**November 28**

I went to sit by the lake today after classes. I was miserable to put it simply. I told Ron and Hermione I would study with them tonight instead of in the afternoon because I was tired. They didn't seem to notice my depression I don't think. They always say something if they do. I walked to the lake and diary, diary, diary; my life is back. I have my hope and dreams back.

I was sitting there near the shore and the tears began to fall again. I remember I couldn't even think for a long time I just remember seeing blackness before my eyes. Then I started thinking that I had let my one chance for happiness in life, slip through my hands. I can't do this with anyone else, only Draco. I don't know why, but I can't. I just feel that way.

And then he came. I love you diary. I love everything, I love the whole world. Draco came to me. I don't know how he knew I was at the lake, I forgot to ask him. I was so terrified when I saw him walking toward me along the shore, I couldn't think straight. I was terrified he was going to say 'no more' and then maybe hex me. I would have let him curse me; I would have let him kill me after saying those words to me, I would have wanted him to.

But he didn't. He said, 'Potter, if you want my attention you don't have to hex me to get it.' His face was clear; without a trace of the pox I had laced it with the day before. His mouth was curved in that devilish smile he gets when he is in the midst of saying nasty things to you and enjoying it. But his enjoyment was not generated by evil intent today. He was looking at me with laughter in his eyes. My face was wet with tears and I remember I flushed when he said that. But a wave of happiness shot through my soul and I didn't care what I looked like.

I had my glasses in my hand; I had taken them off to wipe my face I think. He reached down and took them from me and started walking toward the forest that almost fully surrounds the lake. I followed him, almost running to catch up. He moved into the forest a ways and then he stopped suddenly and turned. I almost ran into him but I stopped myself. I got that look on my face again. I don't know what it looks like but I felt it. I get it when I am embarrassed or don't know what to do.

He smiled at me, the same devilish way as before and he said 'you have it bad, Potter.' I wanted to ask what I had badly, but I had so much bad at that point I figured whatever he was talking about, he was likely right. I remember looking at his mouth and then I looked down because I am always looking at his mouth, and I don't know what he thinks about that.

I was looking at him twirling my glasses in his hand when he started speaking again. 'I was talking about you with Blaise when you walked by yesterday'. I looked up then with sheer panic in my face I am sure. I felt sheer panic in my heart. But he kept talking. 'Not about anything personal, just about the battles.' He added, I guess to relieve my mind and it did. I think my mouth fell open in relief because he said, 'you look so innocent, so tempting right now with your lips open.' I felt my face go hot and he narrowed his eyes at me a little and he said, 'what did you think Blaise and I were talking about?'

He can read my mind, I am sure of it. It has to be that or why would he have asked me that? How could he know I had worked out that I might be jealous? My mind started spinning then. I was so embarrassed I couldn't think of anything to say. I feel so embarrassed around him when we are alone together, I can never find my voice anyway. But I found it today. God did I ever.

I can't believe what I said and that I was looking at him in the eye when I said it. It just popped out of my mouth. I think I had thought it too many times, way too many times and it was the only phrase I wanted for him to hear from me. My voice was barely audible and the words were hesitant but their meaning was so blatant I flushed again even as I said them. 'I want you to do with me what you did with Blaise.'

Of course I about died on the spot after saying it. I felt like I had turned into Luna all of the sudden. She is so forthright all of the time, I don't know how she does it. How she lives with her comments afterward. I never do that, never. But I did, I said it and I was horrified afterward. I couldn't believe the words had left my mouth.

Apparently neither did Draco. His eyebrows lifted in surprise and his eyes widened. Then he slowly narrowed them again, looking kind of speculatively at me. I felt like a worm under a magnifying glass.

I wanted to shrink and evaporate or apparate away. I was about to look down, or away, or hex my eyes out of my head, but then he smiled at me, that same damn devilish smile. And he said, 'How do you know what I've done with Blaise?' I just stared at him for the longest time. I felt so stupid still. But I looked away from his eyes and finally muttered something about overhearing Blaise talking. I don't remember what I said exactly, it was so bungled.

But I remember what Draco said after that. His voice was almost seductive sounding, but curious too. 'I've done a number of things with Blaise. What did you overhear?' At that point something black swam through my heart. I didn't like hearing that he had done a number of things with Blaise. I don't know why, I guess it was jealousy; but it was a stupid jealously if it was. He's probably done a lot of things with a lot of guys; he is gay. If the rumors are true, he's been gay for a while. I am happy about that actually; if all of his past hadn't happened, if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't be able to do anything with him now.

But at that moment I was a little angry or jealous or something. But then those feelings started to fade; they were being edged out by the embarrassment I began to feel when I realized I would have to tell him what I had heard Blaise saying - what Draco had done to him.

I remember looking down kind of wildly, my eyes moving everywhere while I tried to think of what to say. But then Draco said it for me. I think because he knows this is all too embarrassing for me and we would have to stand there until dawn awaiting my answer. 'Did you hear I was touching him?' His voice was kind. I closed my eyes and I nodded, I felt my head jerking up and down and I know it wasn't a smooth motion, I am sure I looked odd. 'And you want me to touch you?' he asked me then, in that husky voice he can get going. More head jerking from me. 'Ask me.' His voice was almost a whisper, but it seemed to whisper to my soul.

I stood there mortified to my very being, with my eyes shut tightly and my hands clinched. But I whispered it; I wanted it so bad I couldn't stop myself. 'Touch me - please.' And he did. He moved to me and lifted my face and I opened my eyes. And he put is arms around me, right around my own arms and I felt his hands on my back.

I felt a wave of passion rush through my body like never before when he embraced me. He was so close, I could smell him. He smelled clean, like he had just stepped out of the shower. And it was so warm with his arms around me and our bodies so close, I felt heat rising between us.

And then he leaned in and started kissing me. His lips were soft and when I felt them my eyes snapped shut. I turned into a being of feeling and I parted my lips hoping he would too and he did. And it was like before, only better than before. That wonderful taste was in my mouth again but it was more profound; and that delicious tongue was swirling with mine but I moved mine in time with his this time. My arms were kind of trapped but I lifted them from the elbows and held his waist again. I held on for dear life because the taste of him was driving me wild. My heart was pumping so fast I thought I might lose control like last time. But I didn't.

We stood there, kissing for a long time, long enough for me to wonder if he thought by 'touching' I meant 'putting his arms around me', because I didn't. But he didn't think that because his hands fell away from my back and starting moving along my arms. I don't know why it immediately becomes hard for me to breathe when he his hands start moving, but it does.

I was breathing hard through my nose, feeling his fingers kneading the muscles in my arms. But that was not what I wanted either. He knew that too because one of his hands found my thigh again and began stroking it; and I began striving to control myself. I started kissing him deeply and he pulled away a bit and said 'easy'. I was embarrassed, I opened my eyes and his were open too, and I am sure my eyes held a bit of my emotions, they always do. But he didn't give me time to dwell on it. He started kissing me again, moving his tongue gently, and continued to move his hand along my thigh.

I started moving my hands a little on his waist and I remember the feel of his robe slipping past my hands. It didn't feel like his hand was on my robe though, it felt like it was against my skin. My thigh was hot, it was so sensitive to his touch; and I felt my passion beginning to build once again. I was still breathing rather ferociously. But I didn't know the half of what breathing ferociously meant until he finally touched me like he had touched Blaise.

I felt his hand touch me – no – he was caressing me, right through my robe and my pants, but his hand felt like it was in direct contact with my body. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears but I can't begin to describe the other feelings surging through my body at his touch; I thought I would fall over with ecstasy. But instead I just started groaning.

It happened again, not long after his hand moved inward from my thigh. But he kept caressing me while I groaned against his mouth and while my mouth fell away from his and my head fell forward onto his shoulder. I was sweating by the end. I was breathing so heavily with my mouth against the material covering his shoulder I left it moist. And when the waves ended, I felt my eyes stinging and starting to fill up. His hand moved back to my thigh and he stroked it softly again. I just stood there, my head resting on his shoulder and most of my weight against his body.

It was maybe the most incredible experience I have ever had. Not just the explosion, although that was unbelievable, beyond anything I have ever experienced before. But also his touching me, Draco's touching me. God I can't put into words all of the feelings that moved through me when I felt his hand and his fingers against me.

Afterwards, I didn't want to stand up; I didn't want him to see my eyes. I kept them open so the tears would not fall out. I was embarrassed again for the hundredth time. But he dropped his arms from me after a little while and put his hands on my arms and pushed me away a little. The tears didn't fall, but he saw them in my eyes. I think he must have. He smiled at me like I was a precious stone or something and his eyes looked a little feverish or intense.

And then he said, 'your innocence amazes me Harry.' And I flushed; I was embarrassed that he thought I was innocent. I am not innocent it is just new to me. It just overpowers me. Maybe that is what he meant; his tone seemed to indicate it was a more of a compliment than a put down. But it embarrasses me either way. He kissed me again, it was not a long kiss at all, but it was very gentle. He pulled back and nodded his head in the direction of the lake.

I looked at him with a little confusion and he said 'go back now.' I was still confused at why he was dismissing me; but I was feeling uncomfortable because I had exploded in my pants once again, so I started to leave.

Then he called my name. I am still not used to hearing him call me by my first name and it thrills me some how. It makes my heart start racing like mad when I hear it. I turned and he handed me my glasses. I walked back a few steps and reached to take them but he held them really tight and I couldn't at first. He brushed my cheek with the thumb of his other hand and then released my glasses to me.

I looked at him, I don't know how I looked, but I know how I felt. And I know it came through my eyes like always. And then I left. It wasn't until I got here that I realized that I was the only one that had exploded between us. I wondered at it, wondered if he had stayed in the forest to have a private explosion without me. I would have liked to have been there. I will make it a point to be there next time. God I hope that happens soon. Somehow I know for certain there will be a next time.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**A/N: **Thanks for all of the reviews everyone; they were both heartwarming and encouraging.

**Chapter 4: December 2**

This is one day I will never forget as long as I live, diary. It was the most perfect day of my life. I have been busy, we all have. A lot of NEWT assignments were due and we had some practical tests included, so not much happened with my love life over the last few days. I don't even know if it is my love life, I don't know what it is. But I know I still haven't gotten what I really wanted.

Draco hadn't actually touched me last time, not like I presumed he touched Blaise. I don't think they had a bundle of robes and pants and clothes between them. I have seen Draco everyday and the normal crap went on between our camps. Arguing and stuff but something has changed. Draco and I yell at one another but it isn't in our eyes anymore. Mine are screaming out I want you in my arms again. His are screaming out with desire. But no one seems to notice. After one such episode he even smiled at me afterward. That devilish smile with the friendly eyes he does so well. I smiled back quickly and no one saw us, but inside I was shining.

However, it has been a number of days since I was with Draco in the forest and I was dying to be with him again.

Our assignments and practicals ended today and I knew he would be free like me. I decided to write a note to him and ask him to meet me, but I didn't know where. I thought about the forest and decided it was the best option. We were in Defense class and Ron was sitting between Draco and me. I pulled a number of tricky maneuvers to glance at Draco throughout the class and specifically, at his mouth. God I love his mouth. Sometimes our eyes would meet, but it was always momentary.

I begin to panic a little during class, wondering how I could get the note to him without anyone noticing when suddenly I heard something rattle to the floor behind me. It was a wand; it was Draco's wand. It had fallen to the floor almost directly behind me. He got up to pick it up and I felt something slip into the collar of my robe. I jumped a little and Hermione looked at me with a question in her eyes. We were going over an assignment at the time and I just shook my head as if we shouldn't speak.

I reached into my collar as if I was adjusting it and I felt a small note tucked into it. I pulled it out, hidden in my palm and then put it into my pocket. I remember my heart was racing, I knew it was an invitation to be with Draco again and I sat through the rest of the class in a complete daze. At this rate, I am going to fail all of my NEWT classes this year.

I raced out of class, telling Ron and Hermione I had a meeting. They looked at me kind of funny. I know it is because we share everything – at least they think we do. But I ignored their stares and raced to the bathroom to read the note. 'Meet me in Hogsmeade at the Prince Tavern at 5' it said. I remember closing my eyes as I crushed the note into my palm. I am so glad no one came in; if anyone had seen me at that moment I don't think I could have explained myself.

With the war over, 6th and 7th term students are given the liberty to walk into Hogsmeade whenever they want. I didn't walk though, I jogged and I had left early. But I was so excited I couldn't help myself. I got there really early and I sat for what seemed like seven decades, drinking a Butterbeer and waiting for him.

There was only one other person in the tavern. An old wizard who sat with his back to the table I selected. Draco finally came in and I almost choked on the swig I had just taken. He was standing in the doorway with the sun shining behind him. The sun is rare in December here, but I think it knows how beautiful he is and it just follows him around. He looked like an angel to me and I just gaped at him. He saw me and he gave me a look of acknowledgement but he didn't come over. He went to the bar and I figured he was ordering a drink. I watched him talking to the bar man and something exchanged hands between them.

Then he headed for the door again and sent me a message with his eyes to follow him. I took a final swig then got up slowly and walked out. I don't know if the bar man recognized me, everyone recognizes me usually. But he had not treated me in any special way so I think he didn't or he didn't care.

I followed Draco outside and I saw him turn the corner of the building. I reached the corner and his hand reached out and he pulled me toward him against the back wall of the tavern. My heart started racing at his touch and it was loud to my ears. But I could hear him speaking even though his voice was conspiratorially soft. 'We have to apparate to the upper level of the tavern, there is a hallway.' When I didn't say anything and just stood staring at him as usual, he added, 'if you want.'

_If I wanted?_ I nodded my head because I felt like even the word 'ok' would leave me breathless and I started to feel a little scared. I had heard about the various upstairs rooms in these taverns and I knew people met there, but I never had. Then Draco disappeared before my eyes and I closed my own eyes, concentrated on the hallway of the upper level of the building and moments later I was there.

He was there too. It was a dark hallway, dark wood walls and doors and my eyes took a moment to adjust. He was standing with his hand on a door, holding it open for me to enter. I walked in and then made a dead stop after a few steps. It was a simple room, I don't remember the furnishings though; I just remember the bed. It was a rather large bed considering the size of the room, but it was a bed and the sight of it terrified me for some reason.

I heard the door close behind me but I didn't turn around, I couldn't stop looking at the bed and I think I started trembling a little. It was so profound to me, I didn't even know if we would use the bed, but the possibility we might frightened me to death. I wasn't ready for a bed, I knew what two guys did in a bed, and suddenly I was terrified of what I might be getting myself into.

This suddenly seemed like one of those no turning back moments in life, like when I went into the final battle, or when I left the Dursey's for the last time. I didn't know if I was ready to close the entrance to the other roads before me though. I mean I knew I wanted Draco, but I hadn't worked out what it was that I wanted exactly. I still haven't worked it out. In that moment I just wanted him close, I wanted to taste his mouth and I wanted him to touch me, but I hadn't considered anything beyond that. It frightened me to think that he might want more from me than I was ready for.

I am still not sure if Draco has been practicing the legilimens spell with Snape, but each time I have been with him it seems as if he has. He seems to always know what is on my mind. I felt him come up behind me, standing close, but not touching me. My heart began pounding again and I don't know if it was the sight of the bed or his being so close to me. I thought he was going to hold me or something, but he said softly, 'It is just a place to be, Harry'.

I calmed a little then. It seemed he understood how I was feeling, like he wanted me to know he wasn't going to take me somewhere I wasn't ready to go. My body relaxed, maybe visually, and a moment later I felt the pressure of his body against mine. He pressed himself against me and a tremendous sensation of heat suddenly ran along my spine. His head came forward slowly and he rested his cheek against mine, moving his face slowly, back and forth.

One of his arms reached around and encircled my waist and he began gently rubbing his hand over my stomach. Then he turned his face toward me and I felt his nose and his lips, soft and warm, moving along my neck and I felt a wave of warmth began slowly spreading through my body. He was moving slowly and gently and it was one of the most delicious moments of my life, it was so intimate.

I noticed that we are about the same height and maybe the same weight as well. But I felt small and weightless in his arms. His lips were driving a wild fever through my body and when he lifted his head and his lips touched my ear, I groaned softly, the feeling was so profound to me in that moment; the sound escaped my mouth unbidden.

His hand that was rubbing my belly began moving downward and he began stroking my thigh again and that was when he whispered in my ear. 'You smell delicious Harry; your scent is driving me mad.' The idea that my scent could make him feel as hot as his scent made me feel excited me. I made another small sound and he stopped rubbing me and pulled gently away; I think he knows my penchant for over exciting myself. But his arms were on my arms again almost immediately and he turned me around to face him. He reached up and pulled off my glasses, lifted the material of my robe at the chest with his free hand and said 'take this off.'

I wanted to, I really did. In all of my dreams about him we are not wearing clothes. But the suggestion embarrassed me. I don't know why I seem to get embarrassed at the most inexplicable times, but I do. I just stood there and stared at him putting my glasses on a table or chest, really I have no idea what it was. And while he was there, with his back to me he lifted his robe away and let it fall to the floor.

He turned back to look at me and I was staring at his body. He is glorious, just damn glorious. I met his eyes again and his face took on a questioning look. It was like I was a naughty child or something, but it set me to action. I reached down and pulled my robe off, a little clumsily - I think my hands were trembling. I let it fall to the ground as he had done.

We stood there in our school pants and shirts and stared at one another for a while. I was looking at his arms. They developed a lot during the war but then I started looking at his mouth again. I am obsessed with his mouth. I couldn't stop myself and I moved a little forward, well sadly, it was more of a lurching motion, but I closed some of the distance between us and reached out and touched his lips with my fingers.

His mouth formed a smile at my touch and that smile sent me back to heaven again. It was an odd smile, like he recognized my obsession or something and as if it was ok with him. I flushed a little at the thought that I am so readable, but I didn't take my hand away. I watched my fingers moving along his lips and felt another set of shivers flow down my spine.

He moved slowly toward me and I felt the pressure of his lips increase against my fingers and that knocked my senses about too. But it slowly dawned on me that Draco's fingers were moving lightly against my chest; he was unbuttoning my shirt. I think touching his lips kept me from running from the room. Everything I want seems to frighten me so much as it becomes a reality. But I've always felt that way about things, my whole life. You would think I would get used to it, but apparently I haven't.

I felt him pushing my shirt open and I just kept staring at his lips, my fingers making a slow trail back and forth. But when he touched my bare chest for the first time, I winced. The sensation was so strong, it was almost painful. My eyes closed, my mouth dropped open and I let out a small gasp as my head fell forward.

I stood relishing the sensation his hand was causing and after a few moments I realized that I was holding my breath. I realized it because suddenly I was gasping for air. His hands felt like hot coals, or maybe it was my chest, I don't know but it left me feeling weak. My hand fell from his lips and he bent forward and kissed my forehead, right on my scar and he left his lips there while he pushed my shirt over my arms and let it fall to the floor.

He pulled away a bit and softly said my name. His voice sounded breathless and something wild passed through me at the sound. I lifted my head and found his mouth again, but this time with my own. I started to kiss him, I was so hungry for the taste of him and I think I might have kissed him a little too wildly, but he didn't stop me. His hands started moving along my back and I started to feel myself giving in to a rising passion once more.

But then he slowly stopped us, he pulled back and I saw him begin unbuttoning his shirt. I stared at him, watching as his beautiful chest came into view and as his arm muscles appeared. I am sure I must have looked like a stunned animal, which is exactly how I felt. I had a mad desire to feel his chest against mine, we were standing close and I couldn't resist the temptation. I think I moved too fast, I nearly knocked us over but he pressed me backward a little and then started kissing me and rubbing my back again.

I had a desire to feel the beautiful bare skin I had just seen, and I put my hands against his waist. His skin was smooth as silk and my fingers were prickling as I moved them up and down along his sides. I pressed myself close to him and lost it for a moment at the feel of our chests touching.

I think he felt it too. His hands left my back and he started rubbing my arms and pressing me back a bit, he moved his hands between us. They moved downward and I lost my grip on his waist. I was going to reach for it again when I felt his hands on my pants, he started unfastening them. I froze, I hadn't expected it. I don't know what I expected exactly, but it wasn't that. Maybe he felt my body tense because he leaned in and began kissing me softly and I felt myself growing tranquil once again.

And oh god when he got the buttons open diary, he touched me again. I wanted to wail when his hand moved along my underwear. It was so hot, so lovely, and yet it only lasted a couple of seconds. But in those couple of seconds I felt a rush inside of me and I thought I might once again explode but I didn't. I was pressing for control and I didn't want it to end; I wanted more, much more. He saved me in a way. He pulled back from me and began pulling at my pants and underwear all at once. Embarrassment started mingling with my other sensations and some of my passion ebbed.

I looked at his face and he was looking intensely at my body, at everything that was revealed as my pants slipped down and I felt my face growing hot. He had them down about my ankles and he tugged on the heel of my sneaker. I lifted my feet one at a time and let him remove my shoes and then stepped out of my pants while he pushed them to the ground.

I know I was flushing madly by then, I was embarrassed and a little scared, and when I looked at him he was still looking at my body. I looked down at myself and my state of excitement was horribly evident and I was mortified to be standing there with him like that. I don't know why. I wanted this, in my heart I wanted this, but it was too real somehow, almost surreal.

Then Draco looked up at me, his eyes had lost their intenseness and they had filled with desire. He was whispering up at me, 'you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life, Harry'. His words served as a balm to my soul, easing my embarrassment and calming my fear. I didn't say a word, but I wanted to. I wanted to tell him that he was beautiful, that he was the most beautiful thing in the world and no one could compare to him, certainly not me. But as usual I had no voice whatsoever.

He stood up and still looking at me with desire in his eyes, he started undoing his own pants. My heart about popped right out of my body at the action. I was dying to see him, I had already seen him so many times in my dreams but the realities so far had been a million times more fascinating. I wasn't disappointed; when he began pulling down his pants and I saw him and saw that he was as excited as I was, I began breathing heavily again. He kicked off his shoes and pulled his pants off and then he was standing before me again, but now completely naked, like me.

He was standing far enough away that I could see his whole body, his whole beautiful body and I looked at every inch of it. But when I reached his face I saw he was smiling at me, a knowing kind of smile and I flushed again. I realized in that moment that I was so obvious, that everything I was thinking was not only written all over my face and in my eyes but also in every action I performed.

I knew in that moment what he had meant by my being young; by my being innocent. I have no experience in being subtle, I have only been with Hermione, and we were never subtle. We had so little experience before, well none to be exact because we had always been too busy chasing doom. When I think about it, our experience was like two fifteen year olds coming together although we were nineteen almost twenty at the time.

But Draco is all of twenty, in every sense of the word. He knows what he was doing and how to go about doing it. He knows how to make me shiver with desire and want to beg for his touch. And he knows too, how to deal with my timidity.

I still can't explain why when those thoughts occurred to me my eyes began to sting and fill up, but they did. Some things just hit me so profoundly in moments; it sets my emotions to flame. He saw my eyes fill up and his smile turned from knowing to warm; it became more compassionate as if he knew that I was passing through some moment of recognition. I guess it would be evident to a fool that something had come over me, but his eyes just seem so knowing.

He reached out and touched my lips like I had done to him earlier and that further moved me. I felt a drip on my cheek and I reached up and pushed it away and then rubbed my eyes. When he touched my lips I just wanted to be near him again, feel his body against mine; and feel every inch of the beautiful body before me with my hands. I stood wondering if he knew that I was aching for his nearness, the feel of his skin, and the feel of his mouth on mine; and that I felt completely helpless at making any of that happen at the moment.

But he did it for me in any case, like he has done everything for me. He came to me, placed his hands on my arms and pressed our bodies together. I gripped him around the waist again and I felt his skin under my hands. It felt hot, like I felt inside, like every inch of my flesh was feeling.

Draco began pushing me gently backward until we stood next to the bed and then he looked at me, maybe there was a question in his eyes, but I was incapable of answering it if there was. I think he made up his mind without me. He fell onto the bed drawing me down beside him, cupped my face in his hands and brought my lips to his.

I remember a little fear had entered my heart again when we fell onto the bed, but he kissed it away. After a few moments I felt bold enough to start touching his body. One of my arms was trapped under my side but I used the hand of my free arm to explore the feel of his chest and the side of his body and allowed it to move down to the side of his buttocks. My touch was tentative, I know, but the feel of his smooth skin under my fingers sent surges of passion through my body. Between that and the feeling his kiss was evoking, I was once again on the rise toward a grand explosion.

But again he pulled a way a little. He looked at me, his grey eyes staring intensely into mine and I felt a little intimidated; I stopped moving my hand on his body and just looked at him. 'Harry' he whispered. It sounded like a question and I looked at him questioningly but he didn't say anything else. He moved one hand from my face and started to caress the side of my thigh.

My hand started moving again, but I don't remember where I was touching him because his touch was setting me off again. I remember after that he groaned; it was the first time he had made such a sound and his excitement sent waves of pleasure pouring through my body. I started kissing him again, and begin to desire his touch madly. He was touching me, still stroking my thigh, it felt hot and delightful but it wasn't what I wanted. I needed him to touch me like Blaise said he had touched him.

I started to silently beg and plead with him to touch me. His hand would move closer but he kept stroking all over my thigh. His hand was soft and teasing and my mind was on fire. I arched backward trying to show my desire and used my mouth to beg with my kiss. And slowly, almost ethereally, his hand began edging inward. My heart lit on fire and my mouth flew from his as I waited; my breathing became a series of short, hallow gasps.

And then he touched me – like he had touched Blaise. The sensation was so far beyond what I had thought it would be, I groaned as if in pain. Draco was finally touching me, touching me where I desired, his warm hand encasing me, caressing me, stroking me and I seriously thought my heart would fail. My mind scattered, I was entirely emotion. My eyes were closed but I don't think I would have seen anything even if they were open. I felt like I was going to catch on fire from the heat that was rising inside of my body.

I want to remember, I really do; I want to write it all down so I never forget. But I couldn't capture a feeling that I can relate, they were all flying through me so fast and they escaped before I could recognize them. But I remember his body moving closer; his mouth pressing against mine again; the wet hotness of his tongue against mine and his hand moving with gentle fervor between us.

And all of it was causing incredible sensations to pulse through my body. I remember that I started to feel feverish, I started breathing like a mad man, he kept kissing me and now I really don't know how he could have been. I was gasping for air against his mouth and I remember my body started to shake a little as a deep passion began to build within me like never before. I had no idea that a climax could be so powerful, so incredibly intense. It was like a rocket took off inside of me and exploded into the sky. My body was trembling a bit madly as waves of satiation jerked through me and I was breathing heavy, wild, breaths into Draco's mouth which was still next to mine.

When I finally began to calm, I felt Draco's arm close around me and he pulled his mouth slowly from mine. I didn't open my eyes for a long time. I just lay there in wonder, thinking that there was no other person in the world that could make me feel the way he just had.

A few moments later, when my heart had slowed a bit, I felt his hand move along my back, and it was a little fevered. It reminded me of what I had left undone last time. I opened my eyes and his were closed, but his beautiful mouth was slightly open and his lips looked a little swollen and moist. I leaned toward him and closed my mouth over his, kissing him as he had kissed me moments ago.

Emboldened by what he had done for me, I moved a hand along his body. His body was slightly wet, I think from my explosion, and very hot. But I reached until I had captured him with my hand. Thinking more rationally now, I probably should have gone more slowly, like he did for me. But I guess that is part of my inexperience. I touched him softly, and then with a bit more pressure, imitating what he had done for me.

I pulled away from his mouth to watch him. I watched his face twisting with bliss at my touches. His lips were still parted and of course I wanted to touch them, so I wiggled the arm tucked under my body free and I lifted my hand to those beautiful lips. I pressed against them gently with my fingers while I watched him react to what I was doing to him. I was amazed that I could make him feel so good; I wondered if he was feeling as incredible as I had felt. It appeared that he did. I remember hoping madly that he was feeling it because it was me generating those feelings, not just anyone - but me. Suddenly, his head reared backward and my fingers fell from his lips as a great moan escape him.

I don't know which experience was greater, mine or watching his. He is so beautiful when his excitement is growing, when he is moving through satiation, it excited me just watching him. Afterward, he pulled me to him and I rested my cheek against his chin. I put an arm across his chest because I remember how beautiful it felt when he had done that to me. And then I closed my eyes and listened to him breathing.

I had never felt so satiated in my life and I remember hoping that he was feeling the same way. We lay there a long while in comfortable silence; at least I was tremendously comfortable. I think he was too because we both drifted off to sleep. My last thought before I was carried off into a blissful dream state was that I was maybe the happiest I had ever been; lying on a soft bed, in a small room, in the fading light, hugging my longstanding arch enemy. And it was the sweetest sensation I have ever felt in my life.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 5: **

**December 4**

Diary, I've just returned from the tavern, the most beautiful place in the world; where I just had another beautiful experience with Draco.

I am finally feeling comfortable about being with Draco. I had no fear of aparating into the hallway of the tavern this time after he obtained a room for us. I think a lot of my initial embarrassment was based both on my inexperience and my being unsure what Draco thought of me. What he would think of me as a result of things we did and the things I did.

Draco has in reality said very little to me, I still don't really know at this point what he thinks about me. I know he is attracted to me, but I don't know what drives that attraction. I think it is mostly lust, I mean it is hard for me to imagine that he has developed some kind of real attachment for me in so little time. But some times his words, his looks and his actions make me think he has, or that at least he is in the process of forming feelings beyond lust for me. I know that my own feelings and actions are propelled by a real attachment I have formed for him. The love I have in my heart for Draco is what drove me to him in the first place.

It was colder today, there was no sunshine, but Draco still looked like an angel to me. He had a huge black coat on over his clothes and it made his hair more golden somehow. It also heightened the color of his lips and of course that had a great impact on me. I was bundled up too, in a big brown coat given to me by Dumbledore after the war. However, I didn't imagine I looked as good as he did. But that was the first thing he said to me. 'You look beautiful in that coat Harry; it makes me want to devour you.' Frankly, I thought that sounded like a wonderful idea, especially if he was going to do it with his mouth. The idea so excited me, I reached out with both hands and touched his lips with my fingers while I responded. 'Have you seen yourself in a mirror today?' My tone indicated how beautiful he was to me.

He smiled beneath my fingers and then started to kiss them. His eyes hooded over a bit and he looked into mine, still smiling, 'You are so fixated on my mouth' he said, with a little laughter in his voice. I flushed but I kept gently pressing his lips and I smiled. There was not an ounce of laughter in my voice however, when I spoke. 'I am completely obsessed with your mouth.'

Draco's smile faded and his eyes took on a keen look of desire when I said that. He reached up and pulled my hands from his mouth and kept them in his while he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. The kiss was so soft and sweet it thrilled me, but he stayed fully in control of it. I kept opening my mouth, wanting to deepen the kiss but he didn't let me, so I ended up sucking on his lips instead, and I was in heaven. It had never occurred to me to do it before, but it is my new favorite thing to do to him. I unlaced my hands from his and grabbed his cheeks between them while I continued softly sucking his lips. It was making me incredibly hot.

I think it got to Draco too because all of the sudden he threw his arms under mine and around my back and pulled my body to his kind of fiercely. He hugged me with his huge coat, my hands still on his cheeks, and he imprisoned my lips with his, urging my mouth open. We basically began to devour one another with our mouths after that, it was delicious.

Today was unique in that I finally felt comfortable enough to speak. I suppose because I have lost much of the embarrassment that accompanied his every move in the past. After the rather long devouring session, he pulled back a little and looking at me seductively he asked 'so what do you want to do now?' I looked at him and overcoming the small amount of timidity that may be with me for the rest of my life, I boldly suggested that we remove our clothes. He seemed to find that funny, maybe it was just unexpected, I dunno. I didn't ask because he moved away from me to begin disrobing and I started removing my clothes as well.

I didn't feel any embarrassment taking off my clothes this time. It felt more natural for some reason. Besides, he was naked first and that offered a terrific distraction. I felt really at ease with him, he was beautiful and he seemed so self-assured. And this confident person was looking at me like I was beautiful too which infused me with a bit of self-confidence. He walked up to me when he finished undressing, took my hands in his and led me to the bed. I followed eagerly and his smile grew bigger and bigger as we neared the four poster.

When we got there he said, 'someone is finally relaxing.' I smiled too, it was true. I moved onto the bed thinking he would join me but he stood at the edge looking at me. I thought he was going to stand inspecting my body which would have likely sent me into a bout of embarrassment, but he didn't. He was looking at my scar. I am so used to people looking at my scar it is almost boring to me when they do it now. But Draco seemed somehow fascinated by it and I began to wonder what he was thinking. I asked him, but he just shook his head. I was curious though, 'tell me' I said a little more forcefully.

He looked into my eyes then, his had taken on a kind of serious look. When he spoke his voice came a little hesitantly, 'I was thinking back – to the first time I really looked at your scar and how much I hated it then. It was when my father was taken to Azkaban, when he was captured at the ministry with the other death eaters. Then I was thinking how much I learned to love that scar after all that happened during the battles. And finally I was thinking how today I completely adore that scar, not because of what it means but because it is a part of you.'

I smiled, I couldn't help it. I didn't want to, his talking about his father saddened me, and it felt disrespectful to smile somehow. However his last words went straight to my heart. When he says things like that, it makes me think he must be developing, or have, some feelings of love for me. He smiled too after he spoke which made me feel better. Then he fell onto the bed, kind of half on top of me and started to kiss me rather heatedly. That made me feel a lot better.

For the first time I kind of took control. I moved us around on the bed; rolling on top of him so he could explore my body, then rolling again so I could do the same to his. All the while I never let go his mouth, I kept seeking his lips. I think I have lost all shyness where his beautiful mouth is concerned. I was beginning to get really hot; we were touching each other everywhere.

I remember I was rubbing the top of his thighs and I moved my hands up to cup the softness of his buttocks. He moaned into my mouth when I did it and I think that is when I began desiring his touch again. I once again rolled him on top of me, kissing him feverishly and I started pressing my hips to his in a silent plea for him to touch me. However, he pulled his precious lips away from me and looked at me with longing or maybe lust (either was fine with me).

And I will never, ever, forget what happened next. He slowly reached up with his finger and lightly stroked my cheek and then moved that finger to his mouth. He placed it on his lower lip, pressing down until his lips parted and then placed it inside of his mouth and sucked on it for a moment. Then he withdrew it again and began to slowly and seductively outline his lips with it.

I watched him in awe; he had to know what he was doing to me. I was finding it difficult to breathe watching him encircling his incredible lips and every movement of his finger sent a stream of shivers down my spine. I couldn't take it; the action was driving me mad. I reached up abruptly and placed my hands on either side of his head. I tugged gently trying to bring those beautiful lips to mine again, but he escaped by hands.

He began moving down my body, leaving hot and wet kisses with his mouth against my skin. He was setting my body on fire with his gorgeous mouth. I closed my eyes and imagined his mouth performing each of those kisses. By the time he reached my belly button, my mind was on fire as well. I could feel his chest against my hardness as his mouth worked wonders on my belly button and I pressed myself gently against him again and again. I was hoping he would take hold of me like before while he kissed my belly button.

The thought caused a surge of passion to pass through my hardness and I began bucking my hips a little harder, my breathing growing heavier by the second. And then all of the sudden he did the most unexpected and beautiful thing in the world. He captured me with his beautiful mouth. I know I must be the most naïve person in the world, I mean I guess pairs do this all of the time. But Hermione and I never did and my and Draco's last time together had been so passionate and satisfying when he used his hand, I had only thought to repeat the experience.

This was far beyond my wildest dreams. I reared my head back at first, gasping with both surprise and elation. But then I had to look down, his precious mouth was involved. He was looking at me, but I didn't focus on his eyes but for a second. My eyes flew to his mouth. When I saw the mouth I cherished so much around me, his lips pulling against my skin, I had to close my eyes for a moment to retain control.

I felt his tongue; the wetness of his mouth; the tug of his lips and it was all so beautiful to me, I began to moan with pleasure. I truly did not think our last time together could be bested. I was so very wrong. He took me with him on a ride through heaven and the flame inside of me that he had caused to explode before, burst into a rage of heat that surmounted anything I had ever known before. He is simply brilliant. Less than a minute later I reached down rather urgently and pulled his head from me. I began moaning heavily, with jagged breaths breaking the sound as waves began pouring through me.

To my delight, he started moaning too, it was as if he was making my pleasure his own somehow. I felt his hand move against me where his mouth had been, and he caressed me gently until the waves finished crashing. We lay, both breathing heavily for a few moments afterward and then he pushed himself up to lay beside me again. He began planting small kisses around the side of my mouth but I turned my head and slammed my lips against his, kissing him a bit ferociously. His mouth was a jewel from heaven in my eyes.

When my heart finally slowed, I pulled slightly away from him. I couldn't believe the beautiful thing he had just done for me, and I wanted to return the favor. I wanted him to feel the extraordinary state of bliss he had created for me; the incredible waves of heat and ardor that swam through my body and my soul with every movement of his tongue, his lips and his sweet mouth. I remembered his moaning with me and his heavy breathing after watching me and figured he would want me to do it as badly as I wanted to.

However, when I began my descent along his body, he stayed my progress. I looked up at him a little confused, but he just looked down at his body and my eyes followed. I was slightly astonished when I saw evidence confirming he had already climaxed. I remember my mouth fell open a bit at my surprise and Draco threw his head back and laughed softly, kind of breathlessly. I started laughing a little too, but more at his mirth than anything else. I felt a little disappointed; I had really wanted to do that for him. But instead, I cupped his face with my hands, brought it toward me and gently pressed my lips to his.

We had to get back tonight because he had a late Quidditch meeting at Slytherin house. But he took his time kissing me afterward despite the fact that we were running late and I started feeling hot again by the time he finished.

However we got up and dressed and when we were once again bundled in our coats, he lifted my chin and gave me another quick kiss. There was something very romantic about that kiss to me; it seemed very tender although it lasted just a few seconds. I wanted to set up another time for us to be together again before we left, but I started feeling a little timid about doing so. I tend to blurt things out in a kind of ridiculous manner when I get nervous and today was no exception. 'Can we meet here again tomorrow at 5?' I said all of the sudden. My tone sounded desperate and pitiful to me and I immediately flushed.

Draco was looking down, I think he was adjusting his wand within his coat, but at my words his head whipped around to face me and he started laughing. I started feeling even more embarrassed, but then he reached out and suddenly hugged me to him and stood rocking me back and forth a little in a rather tight embrace. Then he put his face close to my ear and said, 'that is an irresistible invitation, Harry. I'll be here.' His voice was husky and sent a wave of desire through me; tomorrow suddenly seemed very far away.

He was smiling when he pulled away a bit and his eyes had an expression I like to think was love, but maybe it was empathy. He leaned in and kissed my scar again and then released me and said, 'Till then'. 'Till then' I repeated. Then he winked at me and disappeared.

When I got back to Hogwarts I had another surprise, but not from Draco. When I walked into the entrance hall, Pansy Parkinson was talking to another Slytherin girl who I don't know by name. Pansy's voice caught my attention because I heard her mention Draco's name.

I didn't hear what she said, but her friend responded, 'Oh, I thought Draco was gay.' That _really _caught my attention and I looked at them. Pansy was looking at her friend with a knowing smile and said, 'Draco is bisexual; believe me, I know that for a fact." They may have said more but I tuned out their voices at that point.

I stopped moving and stood staring at the entrance to the great hall in slight bewilderment. I had never considered that Draco might be bisexual. The rumor was that he was gay and it was what I had believed. Of course the rumors around here are often far from true. But it made me consider a couple of things. I know that girls still hold an attraction for me and in that light I guess I am bisexual too. It is just that I can't imagine being with anyone other than Draco right now. I think that is what he meant a while back when he told me I had it bad. I have it bad alright. I have it bad for him.

I also began wondering if Draco was having relations with girls simultaneously while being with me. After that I started wondering if he were perhaps having relations with other guys too. I am planning to ask him tomorrow. I guess his answer won't affect anything other than the depth of my happiness. I have no intention of letting him go; even if I have to share him. I've never really considered him mine, although I would like to – at least for a time.

Well diary, I am going to go find Hermione and Ron and study. I have been kind of mentally far away from them lately and I miss them. I really do love them both.


	6. Chapter 6

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 6: **

**December 5**

Diary, I have written so many things, but nothing as exceptional as what I have to tell you today. It is curiously simple and yet at the same time, remarkably complex.

Today I wanted to talk to Draco. I wanted to find out if it were true that he were bisexual and more importantly, if he was seeing other people. But I didn't really know how to broach the topic. Almost as soon as we entered the room above the tavern, Draco grabbed me and started to kiss me. We were still in our coats and for some reason that is very romantic for me. I don't know why, maybe the extra warmth generated between us due to our being bundled up. After a rather long interlude, he pulled gently away and looking at me with heated desire, or perhaps outright lust, he began unbuttoning his coat.

I reluctantly began removing mine as well. I was hoping we could talk first. We disrobed and the sight of his body got me pretty excited, but I really wanted to discuss what was on my mind. He went right to the bed and bounced onto it, his gorgeous body displayed for my pleasure. God he is just beautiful! Nonetheless, I walked over to the bed a bit more slowly than he had and eased myself next to him, pressing my back against the wooden headboard.

I was staring at the wall in front of us wondering how to bring up what was on my mind when I felt him softly brush my cheek with his thumb. I knew he wanted me to look at him, I could feel him staring at me. I turned my face and stared into his eyes. He has the most stunning grey eyes and somehow it made it more difficult to speak. I began to think that everyone would want Draco and that he likely spent a good amount of time appeasing the sexual desires of numerous people on a weekly basis.

It suddenly seemed kind of stupid to ask him if I were the only one right now; the answer seemed disappointingly obvious. But I am so readable it was too late; I was already staring him in the eye. 'What is it, Harry?' He asked me, as I expected he would.

I smiled then, relaxing against the headboard, 'no big deal' I said 'I just – over heard something and – you know – about you.'

He smiled at me, well, in reality it was more of a wicked little grin, and his brows lifted a little in question, 'Ah yeah?'

Naturally I started to feel a bit timid, but I forged on, deciding to begin with the lesser of my concerns. 'I heard that you like girls too, I mean that you like both – you know.'

He chuckled then, a deep rolling kind of sound. I am sure he laughed because I was speaking in such a discombobulated manner.

He looked straight ahead then at the wall before us, 'Yeah I do.' He replied in a matter of fact tone.

I didn't say anything; I just stared at his face.

He turned to me after a couple of moments, his expression seemed almost teasing. 'Does that bother you?' he asked me.

I dropped my eyes then. 'No. I think I might be bisexual too.' My voice was surer this time.

I looked up at him again and Draco met my eyes with a knowing look, 'I always figured you were.' he said softly.

I nodded and then continued, trying to sound casual, 'I mean I am, but not – not now.'

Draco's eyes seemed to fill with some emotion, but it was completely indecipherable to me and his face remained rather impassable. 'Not now?' He asked me.

And of course I flushed, deeply I think, at least my face felt like it was on fire. I looked down and I could feel his eyes on my face as he waited for a reply. 'I – well you know – I generally am just with one person at a time' I said, then immediately realized how ridiculous my comment must sound to him.

I had only ever been with one person in a sexual context in my life, Hermione, and that had been my only option at the time. I had certainly had numerous opportunities since we returned to Hogwarts; lots of girls were impressed with me after what I had done during the war. But having had very little experience prior to that, I didn't really know how to respond to their overtures and I had been too embarrassed to respond to them in any case.

Hence, my saying that I generally do things a certain way in this type of situation was pure nonsense. I had had no 'situations' to make generalizations about. I know Draco knows that, everyone knows that about me. I assume that was what he was thinking because he smiled when I said it. Nonetheless, I was hoping he would follow my lead and tell me whether he also liked to be with one person at a time or if he preferred having numerous simultaneous affairs with anyone and everyone who struck his fancy. But he didn't say anything. He just turned and looked at the wall in front of us again.

I had to ask, the need to know had become a burning desire. Embarrassed to ask but desperate to know, I resorted to my normal blurting tactics. "So are you seeing a lot of people now? Girls and guys and stuff?"

He looked at me and laughed then, but his eyes held compassion or sympathy or something. 'Actually Harry, I'm not.'

I think my heart zipped up into my head because I felt almost dizzy with happiness when he said that.

Then he got that devilish expression again, one I must admit I am coming to love. 'Is that why we are having this conversation?' he asked me rather bluntly.

Of course I wanted to lie and pretend like I was as casual as he seemed to be about it all, but I didn't. 'Yeah, I guess it is,' I said flushing yet again.

He smiled at me, his eyes crinkling with mirth, and put an arm about my shoulders. 'I know we haven't talked much, Harry. But the truth is, I am as in awe about our being together as you appear to be and I am not really interested in seeing anyone else right now.'

I met his eyes again when he said that and a happy smile creased my face.

'And when you look at me like that' he said then, his voice husky and his eyes sparkling a bit, 'you are all I can think about.'

My smile increased even more. He seemed to feel just as I was feeling; something deeper than simple lust was developing within him as well. At least I hope that's what he meant. But I didn't have a desire to press it any further today. I had begun looking at his mouth again and I was losing interest in talking altogether.

Today was incredible diary, like every time Draco and I have been together. Today however, I wanted to do the capturing first; I was determined that he reach satiation at my hands. I kind of attacked him, starting with his mouth of course, but my assault was halted by the fact that I had forgotten to remove my glasses. I kind of bumped into him with them and he pressed me back laughing a little and removed them for me. I felt like a dimwit, but it is just that they are so a part of my existence I forget they are detachable at times.

When Draco had put my glasses on the table beside us, he turned his body to face me and our eyes met. I turned my body toward him as well and watched as his expression became a little intense, 'You know Harry; you have the most amazing eyes I have ever seen. They are so green and so alive, it is like everything you think and feel shines out of them and into the soul of whoever you are looking at.'

His intense gaze and his soft voice caused something to catch fire inside of me and I am sure my eyes began to blaze with my feelings for him. So I just whispered, 'What are they saying now?'

But he didn't answer me; after looking at me for a couple of moments he wrapped his arms around me and bent his head to my shoulder. His mouth was against my neck and he began pulling softly at my skin with his lips. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms about his waist. I don't know how long we sat like that, but I remember dusk hung heavily in the room by the time he raised his lips to mine and began kissing me in earnest.

It was the latest we had ever been in the tavern and there was something very special about loving Draco in the impending darkness. Shadows stirred about us and along the walls as we fell onto the bed moving heatedly against one another. My body felt extraordinarily sensitive to the touch of his fingers and he seemed to react more intensely to my touching him. In the heat of our intimacy, Draco began to whisper in my ear, driving me wild. I don't remember everything he said, but I remember him calling me 'damned beautiful' and he said that my hands were 'setting him on fire'.

I moaned in response to his murmuring; I was the one becoming inflamed. I renewed my attack on him, beginning with the part of his body that drives me wild. I seized his cheeks with my hands and sunk my lips into his.

I remember kissing him madly before I began moving down his gorgeous body. I kissed every inch of his skin I think; he tasted like heaven. And I kept my earlier promise to myself by capturing him with my mouth at the end of my travels. I had no experience, but the night and the fervor that seemed to accompany it, acted as my teacher. I just instinctively knew what to do and how to do it.

His fingers were twisting lightly through my hair and I felt his body trembling as his excitement increased in response to my caresses. If anyone was below in the tavern this evening, I think they may have shared our experience because Draco's groan of fulfillment was incredible as he reached a raging climax. I eased my body upward along the sheets afterward to lie next to him and he was breathing furiously. I placed an arm across his chest and just lay there, knowing exactly what he felt like.

A minute or so later, he lifted my hand with his and placed one of my fingers on his lips and then slid it forward into his warm mouth. My excitement tripled. But he was prepared to handle the fire he built inside of me with that simple action; he began moving along my body, nearly duplicating my earlier actions. I watched his amazing mouth move along the length of my torso, his moist lips sucking at my flesh and his wet tongue caressing my skin.

He was moving slowly; his mouth and hands relentlessly driving me to the brink of madness. I ran my fingers through his hair and began moaning; he had once again brought my ardor to the point where I felt the need to plead for satiation. And finally his magnificent mouth answered my plea. I thought I recalled the blissful feelings his mouth engendered within me yesterday, but I was mistaken, or perhaps he changed methods. Today I felt so impassioned by the caresses of his captivating mouth, I may have groaned even louder than he did as I rode the waves of satiation. Draco is terribly talented.

Afterward, Draco and I lay holding one another for a long while in the quietness of the darkened room. When he broke through the silence, his voice was delicate and soft. 'You know something Harry? I am really looking forward to the future; there are so many beautiful things I want to show you - so much to explore between us.'

I am fairly certain that what he was talking about included 'going all the way' and it frightened the hell out of me. In reality I would love to share something so intimate with Draco. I have a mad desire to be close to him - as close as possible, and our making love would be a wonderful means of attaining that closeness.

However, I shudder when I think about it because the exploration would entail there being an explorer and an exploree. In my mind I can only imagine being the explorer, but something tells me Draco is not the exploree type. It's not just the physical part – the pain; I mean I have never lacked bravery and I have already proven that I can withstand excruciating pain, far worse than anything the experience between me and Draco would include.

But mentally it is difficult for me to digest. I have always been the explorer, the one leading the way into the dark unknown. I don't generally play the role of the follower or in this case, the receiver. But that is exactly what I have been doing in this situation so far; Draco has definitely been the guide. It is like I have been melding with the dark unknown rather than managing it.

When I search my soul, I have to admit that there is something profound and exciting at the thought of our bodies being connected, either through him or me. I guess the idea is simply at war with my notion that I would be opening the door to what I have always considered a forbidden passage. The whole idea leaves me with feelings of uncertainty and disquiet. Perhaps Hermione felt the same way when I went about making love to her. Maybe we are all naturally frightened when it comes to allowing another the right of passage.

However, I couldn't bring myself to share any of those thoughts with Draco today. I just nodded noncommittally at him when he spoke about future exploration. I think my face must have looked a little frightened though because he said, 'Whenever you are ready, Harry. We have all the time in the world.' I smiled then to ensure him that everything was fine, but in reality I don't know if I will ever be ready.

When Draco and I arose from the bed and began to dress, I noticed that he had hurt one of his arms. A small patch of his skin was kind of tender and red looking. I grabbed up his arm and kissed it gently while looking at him questioningly.

'You haven't noticed that before?' He asked me with a bit of surprise in his voice.

I shook my head in response to his question and frowned a little. 'That is where Dumbledore removed the dark mark I used to have. He told me it could take years before it looks completely healed again.'

It was the first time I had heard Draco sound unsure and a little hesitant during our times together. It dawned on me that he might think it mattered to me that he had once carried the mark in support of Voldemort – of evil. But it didn't matter to me at all; he had been completely dedicated to the Order by the end of the battles.

'Draco,' I whispered, my heart moving through my eyes as I looked into his. I lifted his arm and ran soft kisses over the entire tender part and watched as his eyes grew warm.

'My name sounds delicious on your lips, Harry.' He smiled at me incorrigibly while lightly biting his lower lip.

Of course I was completely distracted by Draco's little lip biting exercise and the fingers of my free hand reached out of their own accord and pressed against his lips once more. Then memory of my new found joy kicked in and I let my fingers drop and leaned in until our lips met. I took his lower lip softly between mine and relished the delicious feel of it slipping through my lips. I repeated the action a few times because it thrills the hell out of me; but I think we were both starting to get a little hot again and we had to get back to Hogwarts. He pulled me against him and planted a rather wicked kiss on my mouth enabling me to temporarily forget about my little obsession.

He has me completely enchanted diary. I am practically dripping with happiness that he feels like I do and is not interested in seeing anyone else right now. I am also dripping with anxiety at the thought of 'exploring' as Draco put it. But I know if I do any exploring in this lifetime with another guy, that guy will be Draco.

I'm starving; I am going to go eat. I will likely fill my soul a little along with my belly. Unless I am mistaken, Draco will also be dining in the great hall.


	7. Chapter 7

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 7: **

**December 13**

Once again classes and Quidditch practice got in the way of Draco and I spending time together and it has been a week since we ventured to the tavern room. But diary it was a wonderful week anyway. What made it nice was that we found time for one another everyday here at Hogwarts. We met in the forest near the lake, usually only for an hour or so, and we sat and talked about all kinds of things. We didn't speak specifically about our feelings but I knew by week's end that he does have feelings for me. Maybe he is not as captivated with me as I am with him, but he does see me as more than a casual sex partner.

We both kept touching each other throughout the conversations, not sexually so much, but more just like we kept making constant contact. We kissed when we met and when we parted and sometimes in the middle of our conversations, but except a couple of days ago when we got a bit carried away, it was completely mellow. Of course I would frequently steal any available chance at playing with his lips either with my fingers or my mouth. His mouth is going to be the death of me I am certain.

However, what I like mostly diary is that we talked. We talked about our lives, about school, about Quidditch and other insignificant things. All the while I got to know Draco much better and I really like his personality. There are so many sides to him I had never known existed. He is funny, introspective, perceptive (which I knew) and very intelligent; he is a thinker. We are really a lot alike, I think that may have been a part of my attraction for him and perhaps the reason we got on so badly when we were young. We used to see things from distinct perspectives, but we likely recognized that there were many similarities between us otherwise. But now we even have a similar point of view about many things.

There were three significant conversations I am really glad we had. We had one in which we decided to try and stop the warring between our camps. Primarily because it is childish but also because one day I want to tell Hermione and Ron about my bisexuality and that would entail telling them how I know – telling them about Draco and I. I think it will be much easier to do if we are all acting a little more civil toward one another. Draco didn't think that his friends, Marcus and Blaise, would have any problem accepting our relationship.

In another conversation Draco talked about how he came to the realization he was bisexual about a year ago and he said that since then his encounters have been with both sexes. He didn't talk about the encounters directly or mention any names, but it was interesting how common his experience sounded to my own. I was very curious about the individual he referred to as 'the man who he had an initial attraction for.' However, he didn't give any details and I didn't ask. I figured if he wanted to tell me he would have and in any case, just hearing that much left me feeling a little jealous. That conversation got me wondering how many times Draco had 'gone all the way' and more specifically, the role he had played during those encounters, giver or receiver. I was sure he had been the giver; he just seems to be a natural born explorer. And yet, so am I and Draco knows that.

The closeness Draco and I attained this week has increased my desire to pursue further sexual exploration with him. I really want to make that connection between us now, but I am still wary about the role I think I would have to play. Yesterday, during a pretty intimate moment, he repeated that 'there was so much he wanted to show me', and even now I can't believe I got up the nerve to ask if he was referring to 'going all the way', but I did. He laughed when I asked but then he just said 'yeah, among other things.'

Well I don't know what the other things are, but I then asked him if he had 'gone all the way' before. I knew the answer, but I was actually headed toward the explorer/exploree issue. However when I asked him that, I think he thought I was asking out of jealousy because he got serious all of the sudden and said, 'I have Harry, but with you it would be distinct, a very special and beautiful thing just between us.' Then he began kissing me and contact with the mouth I had been half fantasizing about during the whole conversation, knocked the issue and all other thoughts from my mind. I didn't bring the issue up again after that; I think it was not very urgent to me because I figured it would be a while before we would actually have to deal with it. So much for figuring.

I didn't have the desire to write every night because it was as if nothing very significant to remember ever occurred. Earlier tonight that changed. But apart from what occurred earlier, when I think about it now, this week was perhaps the most significant period of our relationship to date. I feel closer to Draco than ever before and I think he feels the same way about me.

Yesterday after Draco and I parted, I realized that we had not made arrangements to meet. We have finished another round of NEWT practicals and I knew we would both be free to spend an evening together. Today I walked into defense with a note in hand. Remembering our talk, I sat in the desk next to Draco and waited until Hermione and Ron were seated next to me and then said, 'hey Malfoy' and he responded 'Potter' in a matter of fact tone.

Both Ron and Hermione looked at me like I was nuts, so I whispered to them, 'we are twenty years old now, I think it is time we start acting like it. I made peace with Malfoy and he's willing to try if we are.' Neither of them said a word, they just continued to stare at me in stunned silence. We haven't discussed it as I only saw Ron briefly after that and I didn't see Hermione the rest of the day. However, I am hoping they will decide to follow my example. After whispering to them I turned and listened to Snape who had begun class and slung a note into Draco's lap asking him to meet me at the tavern at 5. Draco read it and looked up and when I looked at him he gave me a rapid grin and a wink and I blew up with happiness. I didn't hear another word Snape said throughout the entire class.

Draco was late; he sent his patronus to advise me however, so I sat in the tavern drinking Butterbeers until he arrived. He didn't arrive until six but I was so happy to see him I didn't even ask what had held him up. We moved quickly to the rear of the tavern and apparated into the room he had procured for us. Draco and I fell into one another's embrace almost immediately upon arriving in the room. It had been so long since we had been together we were a bit frantic for intimacy. I was already terribly excited, but mostly from his nearness. He began running kisses about my cheeks and neck and at the same time unbuttoning my coat. He pulled it off of me and then began pealing my clothes away, piece by piece. I stood staring at his mouth and becoming very excited as he stripped me and I nearly groaned aloud when he unconsciously moved his tongue over his bottom lip while looking at my naked body.

I reached out and began running two fingers along his lips while my other hand began undoing his coat. I had to let go his mouth to completely strip him, but my eyes never left his moist red lips. He abruptly grabbed me when we stood completely disrobed and hugged me to his body.

He ran his hands long my back and rubbed his cheek against mine. 'Do you know how much I missed this,' he said; his voice low and husky.

I moved my mouth against his ear and whispered, 'god Draco, me too.'

Draco pulled back a little and looked into my eyes, 'I am really going to miss this during the Christmas holidays.' His tone was a little remorseful.

I would be going to the Burrows with Ron but I didn't know what his plans were. 'Are you going home?' I asked. I realized the moment after I said it that his parents were both in Azkaban prison. 'I mean, where will you go?' I said quickly.

'I am staying here for Christmas this year. There is no one at my house.' His tone had saddened a bit more and I felt something inside of me sadden as well.

I pushed my arms up and grabbed his cheeks between my hands and began kissing him softly, perhaps trying to kiss the pain away.

Draco's throat was gurgling with mirth when we finally broke the kiss, 'you don't have to feel sorry for me Harry; I won't be here alone. Marcus is staying to work with Firenze during the break and although he will be busy all day, we will hang out in the late evenings.'

I felt a little better about the situation seeing as one of his two best friends would be about, at least in the "late evenings", but I still felt a little saddened because he would likely miss his family and he would be alone during the break, every day during the daylight hours to think about it.

Our lovemaking started out terribly frenzied. Draco seemed to be in a kind of odd mood; he seemed to relish every stroke he made along my body and when I touched him he reacted somewhat fiercely. I didn't know at the time what was causing his heightened ardency, but after a short while he appeared to be completely consumed by passion. He was moving his hands and mouth all over my body, barely allowing me to return his kisses and caresses. His hands had never moved with so much fervor and his lips – of which I took special note – were leaving my body wet and hot as he moved over me.

He suddenly surged upward and began kissing me, somewhat distractedly – or perhaps I was distracted. I felt his hand moving rapidly over my buttocks and then he splayed his fingers between them. I tensed a little but he stopped moving his fingers and began licking my lips with his tongue. It was delicious and relieving and when he again started kissing me, more gently this time, I almost forgot where his fingers lie.

But then they began to move again, sliding gently back and forth, barely within the fold of my buttocks. Draco kept kissing me and kept moving his fingers, delicately increasing their depth with each pass. When his fingers achieved their goal and he had reached the skin about my anus, his hand motion stopped again and he pulled back from me a little.

I opened my eyes and he was staring back at me with a questioning expression on his face. I knew he was asking me if it was ok for us to continue, but I wasn't sure where we were going. Yet, the feeling of his fingers rubbing gently across my anus was darkly exciting somehow and I wanted him to continue…at least doing that. I leaned forward and closed my lips over his in answer and he drove his tongue into my mouth. His fingers began moving again, with slightly more pressure, running back and forth, but never pausing. My mind became entirely focused on his fingers when their pressure increased once again and something in my mind began screaming for me to stop him, but my body was begging me to let him continue.

A few moments later, his fingers came to an abrupt stop, but this time he began to put pressure with one finger directly over my anus. He was very gentle, his finger moved with pressure but with a slight circling motion around the actual entrance. He was still kissing me, but I barely noticed I was so distracted by the movement of his finger. He stopped his movement again and forced me to attend to his mouth. His tongue was moving forcefully against mine and I reached up with my hand to touch his face. My hand met his skin and in the same moment, my head fell back from his mouth and my eyes snapped shut at the sensation of his finger entering me.

He had moved it inward only a miniscule amount but the sensation was quite fierce. He didn't continue to press forward after that, he merely moved his finger within me with a delicate circling motion. I took deep gasps of air trying to breathe through the small pain his finger had caused and I slowly began to relax and my body became accustomed to his touch. I remember his lips began moving gently against mine once more and I started sucking lightly on his upper lip.

I felt my passion beginning to rise within me once again and I realized my hand was still clinging to his face. I pressed my hand against his cheek and began kissing him again. His finger began moving with a slightly greater amount of pressure behind it, still gently rotating within me. I felt twists of pain as he continued his inward progress, though not as great as the initial one.

I took it out on his willing mouth, pressing my lips against his fiercely with each small pang I felt. But I had begun to feel pleasure as well, a dark type of pleasure that arose from the pain and drove surges of exotic delight through my body. My mind, split between his mouth and his finger, seemed to be exploding with emotions I couldn't retain. Draco pulled his lips from mine and moved his head toward my ear. 'Harry' he whispered and the word sent a tremendous surge of heat through my body. And then I felt him slipping his finger out again. It was quick, it had obviously barely been inside and yet it had seemed to fill me up somehow.

Draco was breathing rather heavily and he pulled away from me, slung his legs over the bed and stood up. A little surprised, my eyes followed him as he moved away from the bed and bent to pick up his coat. He pulled something out of the pocket and returned. He fell next to me again and without explanation, began kissing me sweetly. After a few seconds he began stroking my body again. I started getting very hot from his skilled touch and then I felt Draco's finger sliding between my buttocks once more.

His finger moved right to my anus this time, and he drove his tongue into my mouth as he pressed his finger gently inside of me. The contrast of the pleasure I felt from his tongue and the pain of his finger left me slightly bewildered, but I noted his finger seemed to slide forward with much less resistance at that point. I could feel he was moving much deeper within me than before but the pain was quickly ebbing.

He reached down with his free hand to capture my hardness and began caressing me while probing ever deeper within me with his finger. The cry begging him to stop within my mind was growing dimmer by the second as my body began to fill with feelings of bliss from the three prong attack of his mouth against mine, the caresses of his hand and the prodding of his finger.

I began to involuntarily rock against his caresses, slowly at first and then with greater force, simultaneously driving his finger deeper within me and moving my hardness against his hand. All the while his sweet mouth was filling mine with his delicious taste. Before long, the only sensations I felt were of pure pleasure. I felt my hardness surging within his hand as my ardor began to quickly build.

As I neared climax, I began rocking heatedly against his finger, pushing and pulling my hardness through his hand. Draco began kissing me deeply at that point and moments after his hot mouth assault, I found myself in the midst of the most raging orgasm I had experienced so far. I released heated and raspy cries of pleasure directly into Draco's mouth, and he accepted every gasp, every groan and every ragged breath that left my soul, both of his hands tenderly working all the while.

It was dark; the sun had all but set, but moonlight spilled in through the window lighting the room with a ghostly beauty. I lay sweating next to Draco, my breathing still heavy and broken and my hand tightly gripping his arm. I don't remember gripping his arm but apparently I had. I finally began to calm but I was exhausted so I did not move. Draco lifted my chin a few moments later and looked into my eyes. 'You ok?' he asked gently, an expression of light concern creasing his features. I smiled then, 'yeah' I said a little breathlessly. He returned my smile and bent his head to kiss me gently.

I laid there wondering if he wanted me to do for him what he had done for me. He had definitely taken the role of explorer – without discussing it with me before hand. Perhaps that is how it was to be between us, Draco the guide - the explorer. The pleasure he had evoked during his last tour of my body seemed to indicate he should remain the guide.

However, something inside of me rebelled at the thought of laying in wait for his guidance, pleasing him as directed and taking little to no initiative. We laid in silence for perhaps ten minutes. I knew he had not been sated but he didn't make any overtures toward me; perhaps he felt I needed to rest after his finger violation. But the truth is, recalling the experience, I began to feel hot once more and I started to feel that if I wanted any power in this situation I should just usurp it – as I had all of my life.

My face set in determination; I lunged suddenly toward him and pushed my mouth into his lips. I urged his delectable mouth open and began kissing him with a mad force. I began to stroke his body, my touch light and teasing, as he had done to me many times before. But there was no hesitancy or tentativeness within me today; I knew exactly what I was about. I felt his body react intensely to every stroke, every lick and every kiss I applied, and he eventually began to moan softly in reaction to my persistent caresses. I knew what I was doing to him but I was relentless. I moved down his body with my lips, dragging them along his skin and using my teeth to pull very gently at the softest parts of his flesh. Draco's thrashing above me told me that he was feeling the impact of my forceful seduction.

I moved my tongue slowly, licking his chest, his belly and then his thighs and my fingers followed the trail of my mouth, caressing him with a gentle teasing motion. His hardness was bursting with beauty and relishing its loveliness, I wanted to take hold of it, but that was not a part of my plan. I moved between his legs and began lightly licking his scrotum. Draco placed his hands on the back of my head and drove my face gently forward. But I shook my head from his grip and began a licking trail upward along the underside of his shaft and down again.

He was moaning almost constantly by that point, it was clear that he wanted me to close my mouth over his hardness, but I persisted teasing him with my tongue, moving upward again and licking gently around the head of his penis. 'Harry' Draco moaned gruffly, pleading with me in earnest. However I ignored his request and instead moved slowly upward again, letting my tongue ride along his body until I was facing him. He stared into my eyes, his beautiful grey eyes completely saturated with need - lusty need. He almost looked as though he was in pain and his breathing was coming in small quiet gasps.

I fell next to him and turned him rather abruptly toward me. I began a severe assault on his lips, which I am starting to consider my property. I ran my hand slowly threw his hair and down along his face and then over the muscles of his arm. I continued downward, sliding my palm against his torso and gripping the tight flesh on this thigh.

I moved my hand slowly around his body to his buttocks and rather furiously massaged the more pliant flesh I found under my fingers. I slowly moved my fingers inward until I found the soft fold between the lobes of his buttocks and I moved them downward quickly, rubbing along the skin inside as he had done to me earlier. I began kissing him fervently as two of my fingers began toying around his anus. The truth is I was on fire again. I felt my inflamed penis pressing against Draco's hardness between us and the pressure of our touch was sending delicious sensations through my groin.

I began to apply a light direct pressure with one of my fingers against his anus and at the same time I freed the arm that lay beneath me and began to stroke his hardness. Draco arched backward and gasped with pleasure when moments later I pressed my finger gently inside of him. Watching him, I felt myself losing a bit of control; my passion was rising faster than ever and I closed my eyes to try to fight against premature ejaculation.

I slowed my hands for a couple of moments and took a couple of deep breaths until I felt more in control. He moved toward me again and his mouth – his lips slightly parted - slammed before my vision. I captured it with mine, sliding my tongue into his mouth and began caressing his hardness again.

I began easing my finger forward into his anus, circling it a little as he had. Draco's eyes suddenly popped open and he pulled his mouth from mine. Then he reached behind and grasped my hand with his, removing my finger. I was looking at him rather intensely and my other hand stopped its caresses. His eyes were rather intense too, but his voice was soft and pleading. 'Harry' he said with soft urgency, 'that is not what I want."

He began moving about a little but I took little notice of that. I raised my eyebrows partially in question and partially in disbelief. He thought I was to be the sole receiver? Well no I was not going to be, that didn't suit me at all. My eyes narrowed and I was on the brink of telling him as much but his next action sent my words rushing back down my throat. I looked down in astonishment and confirmed what I had felt.

He was rubbing some sort of potion onto my penis. My eyes went wide when it dawned on me, in an astonishing moment of enlightenment, what exactly he did want. I don't know if he realized how shocked I was by his actions, he was looking down, still applying the potion. I gripped his face between my hands and forced his eyes to mine, my thoughts streaming from my eyes. Draco read them loud and clear I believe because he looked at me, his eyes full of pleading.

Physically I wanted desperately to take him; at that point I was ready to take whatever opening presented itself before my throbbing penis. But mentally something was screaming at me telling me not to do it. At the time I didn't think about why I didn't want to do it, I just heard the cry in my mind.

Thinking about it now, I know I wanted to be inside of Draco, the connection with him would allow for an intimacy between us I have longed for. But I think I realized it would mean a big step for me, the end to any doubt about my sexuality, the opening of a new door. I would be the explorer so that would not have been an issue for me at that point (although his earlier finger work had made me think that it would only be a matter of time until I was made the exploree.) In any case, I think in that moment I subconsciously realized that I would truly be entering a new chapter in my life; and while I desired it, I hadn't expected to reach it so quickly.

However it was at that point that Draco decided to play dirty. While I continued to hold his cheeks and stare at him with intense emotion, he forced a finger between my lips and into my mouth. He then pulled it out again and dragged it slowly and heavily across his lips and continued to move it lightly as he whispered, 'Please, Harry, I want you close; I need you inside of me.' His voice was, beseeching and hoarse, but I barely heard him. An uncontainable hunger had begun to arise within my soul as I watched the movement of his finger.

I didn't mentally issue a command to my hand but it left his cheek in a flash and I saw my fingers desperately knocking his out of the way in an eagerness to touch his beautiful lips. Moments later, I threw my lips against his, completely out of control. I have a vague recollection of him moving me a top of him and moving his legs outside of mine during the heated kiss that ensued. 'Please Harry, please,' he groaned into my mouth; his breath was hot and his wet mouth spoke directly to my heart and to my groin.

His mouth was clearly my downfall. He could have had whatever he wanted from me; do whatever he wanted to me at that point; as long as he continued to let me have contact with his enticing lips and his bewitching mouth. He felt my acquiescence; I didn't have to say a word. He lifted his legs at the knees on either side of me and I pushed myself up in response to his request, my eyes never leaving his mouth. I pressed his knees toward his chest and then used my finger to gently probe for the entrance to his body.

I grabbed my hardness and positioned it at the entrance and that was when I met his eyes. Perhaps I expected to see lust or some other associated emotion, but what I saw there was pure, unadulterated desire. It was as if he was relishing the impending closeness we would have together – the connection that would be made between us. It was beautiful somehow, he was beautiful and suddenly I mentally wanted to make love to Draco; I felt a desperate need to join myself with him in the most intimate manner possible. I began to ease my hips forward until I felt the tip of my penis slide inside of him.

Draco gasped at my first lunge, and because it had been very gentle, very small, his sound frightened me a little and I reflexively stopped moving. But he reached up and took hold of my arms urging me forward. I moved extremely slowly then, moving myself deeper inside of him. Draco's muscles gripped the tip of my hardness tightly and I reared my head back with delight at the sensation.

When I moved my head forward again, Draco's face was contorted with bliss or perhaps with pain or both, and he began pulling my torso toward him and arching his hips. I wanted to cry out with pleasure as I slowly moved deeper and deeper inside of him. The more I pushed, the easier the movement became and Draco began arching and pressing himself into me as I drove my body forward. In one incredible moment, the timing of our movements collided and his body consumed over half of my hardness during the thrust. My head flew forward and my mouth fell open as I began groaning breathlessly at the feel of his tight muscles gripping my penis. Draco's responding moan was delicious and low and this time I recognized it as a sound of pure elation. I remained still for a moment, savoring the feeling and then I began pushing my hips forward again.

Draco was pulling my buttocks toward him, his hands on either side of my body. My eyes however had again found his mouth; it was partially open and shook slightly, expelling gasping breaths with each of my light thrusts. I was relishing the feeling of being inside of Draco; the connection between our bodies was terribly intimate and beautiful. But the movement of his mouth sent a sudden powerful surge of passion through my body, from my chest to my groin. Blood rushed to my penis, filling it completely; I don't ever remember being that hard in my life.

Without thinking I abruptly drove my hardness forward, as far as it would go and fell against Draco's body, slamming my lips into his and forcing my tongue into his still only partially opened mouth. He gasped and then groaned madly against my mouth when I filled his body with my shaft and his head fell back into the pillow beneath him. His hands flew around to grasp my back and he pulled me tightly against him. A wave of passion poured through my body and my hardness throbbed with pleasure at the firm grasp of his muscles totally encasing it.

I followed his face, seeking his lips and lay kissing him deeply as my hardness continued to pulsate within him. Slowly I began thrusting again; hesitantly at first but as my ardor rose I began pumping faster. I rose up slightly pulling my lips reluctantly from his, to watch his face twisting with pleasure with each of my thrusts. Supporting myself on one arm I reached for his hardness between us and began caressing it in time with the steady pumping motion of my hardness within him. Draco shortly began moaning again and I felt his legs opening slightly and raising on either side of my body.

I began thrusting harder against him watching him jerk slightly upwards with each contact my body made against his. I could feel his excitement mounting; his body was trembling slightly and he began arching madly against each of my thrusts. My hand caressing him began to move faster and with increased pressure and Draco suddenly gripped my face with his hands and hoarsely groaned my name, his voice broken and breathy, as the waves of orgasm rocked through his body.

Watching him pass through climax triggered my own and completely overcome with feelings of lust and love for Draco, I plunged myself into his body and literally detonated from the inside out. I groaned ferociously as my seed began filling Draco's body; I felt myself shaking unmercifully as the waves of an unbelievably powerful orgasm passed through me.

Draco was still holding my cheeks and that alone prevented me from collapsing. But he lowered his arms and brought me gently against him afterward and then enveloped me in the warmest and most intimate hug I have ever had in my life. My head rested in the crook of his neck, my face in the pillow beneath us and Draco began rubbing his face against my hair. I was exhausted, still breathing heavily but a violent feeling of love for Draco rose up inside of me.

I slowly lifted myself to pull out of him and pressed my lips to his in a tender kiss. Then I fell gently against him again, rested my head on his shoulder, tucked a hand in his hair and felt his arms close around me. I lay breathing in his intoxicating scent in the moonlit darkness and slowly moved my fingers from his hair, down his face, and to his lips where they once more came to a rest.

We cuddled in silence for a long while following our intimacy and then I heard Draco's voice whispering against my fingers. 'That was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life, Harry'. His words mimicked my feelings exactly and I moved a little in his hug so that I was facing him. 'You're the most beautiful thing' I said and then captured his mouth in what turned out to be one of the gentlest, sweetest and most poignant kisses we have shared.

I am in love with Draco diary. I just re-read what I wrote, wanting to relive the experience through my own voice. God if anyone ever sees this I will be embarrassed as hell, but I am glad I wrote the details out for myself while they are fresh in my memory.

I was thinking, I am still not sure if what Draco feels for me is love. But I am quite sure whatever he feels, it goes way beyond lust. Our intimacy created a deeper connection between us as I knew it would. I laugh a little now as I think how we were both acting terribly loving and even a little possessive toward one another afterward as we dressed.

I have even come to terms with the explorer/exploree issue. Not only am I fine with being the exploree one day, I actually desire to be possessed by Draco. I want him inside of me; I want to light his soul on fire with love as he did for me today.

I am supposed to study now. I missed dinner but I don't much care about that, I am not very hungry for some reason. I hope I can carry on normally with Ron and Hermione while we do our assignments. However, I seriously doubt it; my mind is completely preoccupied with thoughts of my beautiful golden angel.


	8. Chapter 8

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 8: **

**December 14**

Diary I am ecstatic!!!! A little embarrassed but I can live with that. Dumbledore sent a note to my room this morning asking me to come by his study and I was rather surprised. I had not spoken with him personally for quite some time. He had been very busy with things since the war.

I went and he asked me if I was planning to go to the Burrows for Christmas. When I indicated I was he told me that he had hoped I was staying because he thought it would be a good opportunity for us to improve my Occlumency skills and start training in the Legilimens spell.

His words took me completely by surprise as now that the war is over I assumed I would learn those skills like everyone else, during Auror training. But the chance to study with Dumbledore personally is too good to pass up and of course I have other motives for wanting to stay now as well. I told him I would indeed stay during the break and that I would explain the magnificent opportunity he was giving me to Ron and his family.

I was certain they would understand and in fact when I talked with Ron a while ago he was disappointed but agreed that it sounded like a chance in a lifetime. He didn't mention anything about my wanting to be civil with Draco however and I didn't bring it up. I thought he might and I kind of hoped he would. I really want to tell him and Hermione what is going on with us, I just don't know how to go about it.

When I was walking to Gryffindor after leaving Ron however, I began to think about what had happened. Dumbledore could have given me these lessons during the regular term, they were to be short he said, six half hour sessions during the break. I began to think perhaps he knew what was going on with me, as he always seemed to know in the past.

I began to believe that he was letting me know that he approved of my choice to be with Draco and at the same time allowing me the opportunity to do so. I am almost certain that is the case, he of all people can read me like an open book, even when I am not around him. It is embarrassing in a way, but in another way it makes my heart want to sing.

The other great thing that happened was that I ran into Draco in a hallway leading to the entrance hall and I quickly told him I was staying for Christmas. His eyes lit up with happiness and he blew me a kiss. I almost blew up altogether watching his lips pucker up at me. That was nice, very nice. He was rushing off to somewhere though so we only stopped for a hot second. But I still can see his lips forming that kiss as if he were standing before me now. I feel like I could reach out and touch them.

I'm back diary. Today something rather strange and yet very nice occurred. I was leaving my last class of the day and I had rather carelessly slung my things into my schoolbag and hurried out. Draco and I had arranged to meet in the forest to chat for an hour or so. Well on my way to the forest I heard a voice calling me from behind. I turned toward the unfamiliar voice and was surprised to see Marcus, one of Draco's two best buddies hailing me.

I don't really know Marcus very well; he is the younger cousin of Marcus Flint who played Quidditch for Slytherin before the war. The younger Marcus is also a member of Slytherin house, but he has never really participated in any of the squabbles between our houses – kind of odd when you consider he is one of Draco's best friends. I don't know much more about him except what everyone knows: he is a master at perception and is supposedly fairly exceptional in the art of divination as well. He is a very good looking young man and while he makes no secret of the fact that he is gay, I've never actually seen him with anyone at all, male or female, in a romantic sense.

It was a little odd that he should want to speak to me because I don't think we have said more than twenty words to one another in all of the years we have studied at Hogwarts.

He was smiling pleasantly when I reached him and he immediately began speaking, 'Hi, Harry. Draco asked me to tell you that he cannot meet today because he has detention.'

The information wasn't very surprising; Draco for all that he'd been through during the war and the maturing that he'd undergone, was still Draco Malfoy at heart. I wondered however what the detention was for and so I asked Marcus. I kind of thought he might not wish to tell me; after all, even though he is a nice guy, he is still a Slytherin and our house members tend to clash at the best of times. However, Marcus continued to smile and told me that he'd had a little hex war with one of his house mates the evening before and Snape had broken it up then given both parties a wicked detention for their deed.

I nodded in understanding and thought that would be the end of it, but Marcus shook his head a little and then looked at me with some mischief swimming through his eyes. 'You would never guess what they were warring about' he continued and when I looked inquiringly he went on, 'one of the younger members of our house made a rather disparaging remark about you.'

I flushed; I couldn't help it. I mean, I figure that unlike me, Draco has told his best friends about us, so I wasn't too surprised at Marcus' obvious knowledge of our relationship. However, the idea that Draco would defend me against one of his housemates left me feeling both happy and a little embarrassed. Marcus seemed to understand and his face settled into a look of sympathetic understanding and mirth still hovered about his lips. 'Several of us immediately responded in your defense,' Marcus continued, 'but Draco seemed a bit more…offended and he immediately drew his wand.' Marcus chuckled, 'you know Draco, he tends to overreact in such situations.'

I laughed with Marcus, recalling many such overreactions in the past. It was a little odd, but somehow, Marcus and I made a small connection in the short moments we stood speaking to one another. Without so much as a word, he made it obvious that he had befriended me and I believe he understood that I was also happy to have him as a friend.


	9. Chapter 9

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 9: **

**December 26**

Diary my life is a dream. My life is my dreams. Draco and I have spent the entire Christmas vacation together so far. We have had a blast doing tons of things everyday. We like so many of the same things; flying after the snitch, swimming, taking walks, practicing spells and numerous other things.

Yesterday we spent all of Christmas together and although we did not go to the tavern, we had a very intimate two hours out by the lake. We were thanking one another for the presents we'd gotten each other and got a bit carried away again. But of course we have spent many evenings at the tavern making sweet love – to the point where Draco joked that we were abusing each other's bodies.

Sometimes Draco's friend Marcus joins us in the evenings and he is really a wonderful person and has accepted my relationship with his best friend completely. Marcus is gifted with the art of perception and I suppose that is why he has been working so closely with Firenze, sometimes until the wee hours of the morning, so we haven't actually seen him all that much.

That brings to mind something else kind of special. I realized on my way to my first session with Dumbledore that if he didn't know about Draco and me, he would after that day. He was going to be reading my mind and Draco was the only thing on it. I remember he cast the Legilimens Spell and I tried to block my thoughts, but I was little match for Dumbledore. I fell to the ground on all fours when he finally stopped reading, breathing heavily and totally embarrassed – my mind had been swimming with thoughts of Draco. But he had already known - it was obvious because he just looked at me with a compassionate and loving smile and said 'let's try again Harry.' I can't tell you how much that meant to me diary. He does know and he still loves me as much as I love him.

I feel less and less of a need to write to you diary because Draco and I are so close now and I talk to him a lot. But last evening was remarkable and I have to write because later I will want to read it again and again and again.

Yesterday evening Draco and I returned to the tavern, it is becoming like a second home to us. Like some of the other nights we have gone to the tavern, Draco and I removed our coats and robes but then sat on the bed fully clothed talking for a while. It seems we never run out of things to talk about.

We were talking about spells last night. He seems impressed by the fact that I know so many spells and by my other magical abilities. But I repeatedly tell him that he would be in the same position if he had had to go after Voldemort. In reality Draco is an excellent wizard, he just doesn't realize how talented he is.

I remember Draco was talking about a spell he had seen me do in potions class when I began to focus on his mouth. Sometimes I can go for a whole hour without doing so, but not when we are sitting on a bed. I was listening to him and my eyes were following his lips as he opened and closed them to speak.

Draco is funny as hell sometimes though, he was in the middle of his story and he said something like 'then you said the potions incantation Harry, and it was really - you have fallen into a state of bliss over my lips again haven't you?' His changing topics in the middle of his sentence struck me as hilarious and I laughed at that, and at my own lack of control. I leaned in and kissed him quickly then told him to finish his story. He eyed me seductively and said he could finish the story later and cupped my face in his hands and started kissing me. God his mouth is incredible…have I mentioned that before diary?

He stood up after that delicious kiss and began to disrobe. I sat on the bed and watched him, my face I am sure reflected the desire that was building inside of me. When Draco was naked he said, 'come my little voyeur, undress.' I flushed a bit at that because it was terribly true. But I smiled and hopped off the bed to remove my clothing.

Our lovemaking hasn't decreased in excitement one bit since the beginning. When we fall together we still hungrily seek one another out. Draco has more experience and he has been showing me a number of ways in which we can accentuate one another's pleasure. I am a quick study though and these days I can excite him at the drop of a hat if I want. Of course all Draco has to do is make me focus on his mouth – and he has figured out a ton of ways to do that – and I melt like a vat of butter on a hot muggle stove – completely lost in Draco.

Until last night however, I had continued to play the role of explorer. I had made love to Draco during all of our intimate times together. He seemed to relish the role of exploree; in the heat of our lovemaking he would roll on his back and raise his arms for me to come to him and I couldn't resist. With the exception of his expert finger manipulations inside of me, he never tried to be the explorer. He did introduce me to various new positions for us when I made love to him. We have also explored new locations around the room; the chair, the wall, the floor - god - but I can't think or write about those things now or I won't be able to finish this. I have to write this while it is fresh in my memory so I can relive it – at least until I destroy you diary.

Last evening I wanted him to make love to me; I have desired to have him inside of me for a long time now. The idea of his making love to me had seemed like such a big step for me in the past. But now it was all I wanted, I wanted him inside of me. An incredible love and tenderness for Draco rises in my soul when I connect with him, both during and after making love to him. I know he feels it too, perhaps not as strongly as I do, but I can tell the experience impassions him.

But so far he has only felt the beauty of our intimacy from the standpoint of my giving my love to him; and I have only felt it as the giver of my love. I want – no, I need – to feel him giving his love to me and I want him to feel that too. It would be like seeing and feeling the experience of our love making through one another's eyes. Even now the thought sends shivers through my body.

I kissed him softly when we returned to the bed disrobed; relishing the feel of his lips and his tongue against mine. I could do that for hours and hours and still want more. But Draco pulled his lips away and began dragging his mouth along my body, beginning with my chin and ending at my belly button. He seems incredibly drawn to it; always pausing there and dwelling over it with his soft lips and tongue. I think he is becoming as obsessed with my belly button as I am with his mouth.

He moved slowly downward from my navel, his mouth leaving a hot wet trail and began running his tongue along my hardness. He began caressing the top of my penis with his thumb while licking me and the combination sent wild sensations surging through my groin. I remember gasping so loud that he stopped for a moment and looked up at me. But he didn't say anything; instead he gave me a wicked little smile and then abruptly captured me with his mouth.

Within moments he skillfully used his tongue and sweet lips to bring my desire to a point of uncontrolled lust. I pressed my hands to his head and began gently stroking his hair. Watching the movement of his precious mouth was making me incredibly hot and I began breathing heavily, lost in a heat wave of passion. However, moments later he pulled his sweet lips away and moved up to face me again. He looked at my face and smiled knowingly at me before bringing his precious lips to mine for a small kiss.

He pulled away a little and in that deep husky tone he gets when we are in the heat of intimacy he said, 'Easy Harry, you're not going to last long at this rate.' Then he moved his arms around me and he hugged me tightly to his chest, and we lay there unmoving. The truth is I wasn't going to lose control in that moment, but I was glad he had stopped caressing me; in the past I found it difficult to broach any topic whatsoever once he brought my excitement to that level - and I wanted to ask him to make love to me.

I was just simply going to ask, but suddenly I had a better idea. I pulled out of his hold and I reached up and placed my hands on his cheeks. My action caused his lips to pucker up a bit and I was immediately distracted and had to lean forward and kiss him for a moment. It is not really my fault diary, he has the softest, moistest, sexiest lips I have ever seen or felt in my life. They are simply irresistible to me.

But then I pulled away, sliding my hands from his face and letting them run gently along the sides of his neck. He closed his eyes and his mouth opened slightly. It took everything I had to not attack his mouth; instead I pushed gently against his shoulder until he was lying on his back and then I rose up and straddled him just below the groin. I moved my hands gently over the muscles on his chest and down along his waist. I then repositioned myself above him, supporting myself with my hands on either side of his body and aligned myself over his groin. I moved my hips slowly downward until our penises met and I began moving mine gently back and forth against his, causing a delicious friction between them.

Draco grabbed my arms with his hands and moaned, 'god Harry, oh god Harry, that feels so good, so damned good.' I knew it did, I could feel it too. I closed my eyes and relished the feel of his hardness against mine and felt my ardor begin to mount. I remember taking a deep breath, giving me the courage to stop my movement and then I slowly moved away from him and lay beside him. I think Draco was surprised, perhaps at my stopping the beautiful feeling that had been going on between us – or maybe due to the fact that I was no longer touching him at all. He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at me and seeing me lying there unmoving, he rose up as if he were going to begin another attack on my body. But before he could, I slowly lifted my legs at the knee so my feet were resting on the bed and raised my arms, holding them out to him.

I will never forget the look on Draco's face at my action, it was like controlled delight mixed with uncertainty and he looked so beautiful I wanted to throw myself all over him. But I didn't, I just laid there and waited with my arms stretched before me. I knew he would understand; he had done the same thing to me many times before when he wanted me to make love to him.

He finally found his voice; it was a husky whisper, 'are you sure?' he asked me.

I nodded, and because uncertainty still lurked in his expression I whispered softly, 'I want you to love me, Draco.'

Draco's eyes filled with emotion and he lowered his body and reached a hand through my still upraised arms and used his thumb to stroke my cheek. 'You know we don't have to this Harry, I mean, I am completely happy with the way things are now.'

His voice held complete sincerity and his willingness to remain the exploree – perhaps forever – moved me deeply. I moved my hand to his face and gently moved my fingers along his bottom lip. My voice was soft and full of desire, 'Draco, please make love to me – unless you don't want to.'

I knew he did though and Draco's look indicating that I was talking utter nonsense confirmed that. He moved over me falling lightly onto my chest and into my waiting arms. 'Harry,' he said gruffly, 'I have wanted to make love to you for so long – you have no idea. I just – you just – come here.'

He placed his hands behind my head and lifted to me him and captured my mouth in a very tender kiss. A rush of love swelled up inside of me and my desire doubled at Draco being so impassioned that he was at a loss for words. I have never seen that happen to him in all of the time we have spent together.

After the rather lingering kiss, Draco lifted a little to grab the potion from the side table and began to spread it on his penis. He spread it on me as well afterward and then whispered 'Relax, Harry.' I realized I had become quite tense and I relaxed my body into the bed. Draco began rubbing his finger back and forth along my anus. I am used to his finger now, he has used it several times and last evening I only felt pleasure when he began slowly moving it inside of me.

He leaned over and began kissing me, pulling on my lips as I love to do to him. My excitement quickly mounted and I began pressing myself against his finger. When he removed it and stopped kissing me all at once, I was left panting with desire. He began gently stroking my hardness while he repositioned his body between my legs. Then he stopped stroking me and pressed my legs slightly forward. I felt him position his penis at the entrance to my body and I tensed again.

'Relax, Harry' he whispered. I tried, but I don't think I actually did and moments later I felt him entering me. The girth of his penis is far greater that that of his finger of course and I felt a sharp stab of pain when he eased his head into my body. I gasped at his action and he began stroking my penis again with his palm and whispered 'easy, Harry.' Frankly, I was thinking he needed to hear those words, not me. But he had stopped moving and my body slowly became accustomed to the tip of his hardness within me.

He stopped stroking me, closed the distance between our torsos and began kissing the bottom of my neck. His mouth on my neck did wonders toward relieving me and I felt myself slowly relaxing. However, I think I tensed again as he began easing his penis inside of me once more, deeper and deeper. I gripped his arms and reared my head back trying to concentrate on his mouth and the wet kisses he was leaving with it on my neck. Suddenly a wave of pain ripped through my body; it was as if he had descended inward through a barrier in my body and I began gasping in earnest.

'Breathe, Harry, relax' he said softly, his voice terribly husky. He ceased his movement again, I began breathing again and the pain began to ebb fairly quickly – or maybe I am just used to pain. He surged forward again, a little deeper and the vertical distance between us closed enabling him to reach my ear with his lips. He began whispering in my ear distracting me from his continued rhythmic motion, 'god Harry, oh god you have no idea, no idea at all.' His pleasure at finally being inside of me thrilled me and I forced myself to relax, spreading my legs and drawing them up a bit. Draco welcomed my subtle invitation and pressed forward again and again, and I began to feel less and less pain. After a few moments he was moving quite liberally within me and I began to feel a dark pleasure taking over the sensation of pain I had felt.

I met Draco's eyes and I whispered brokenly to him, 'Love me Draco - love me.' My plea impassioned him and uttering a broken moan, he began moving faster and pushing harder, pressing further inside of me. He moved his head around to begin kissing me and we both groaned deeply when with a final push of pressure he was completely inside of me. He held himself against me without moving for a few moments, still kissing me deeply, and the small twist of pain that had accompanied his movement slowly faded away.

I felt my body relaxing again just as he began thrusting his hips against me once more. He kept it slow and gentle for some time, but I could tell his passion was on the rise. He gradually moved faster and pressed harder until his tempo became quite heated. After a few moments I began to feel pleasure building within me again.

I reached down with my hand that had been tightly gripping his arm and began stroking myself. I heard him start to moan and I felt another twist of pain as his movement became a bit furious; but by the time he began to climax, I felt only pure pleasure and then a burst within me as Draco's semen began filling my body. He groaned heavily and his face was filled with ecstasy as orgasmic waves surged through his body. He fell on top of me breathing heavily afterward, and cupped my face between his hands before laying his head next to mine. 'God Harry you're so damn beautiful, that was so damn beautiful.' He breathed into my ear.

I turned my face into the palm of one of his hands and kissed it wetly. He was breathing very heavily beside me and it was some time before I felt him lifting up and easing out of me. He moved one of his hands and began wiping my cheeks and it was only then that I realized they were wet with tears. I don't remember the tears falling at all, but apparently they had. Draco placed his hand back on my cheek when he had wiped it dry and began kissing me.

He then slowly pulled away from me and moved down by body and took my hardness into his mouth. I gripped his head with my hands and it was not long before I experienced a volcanic climax and lay panting in the moonlit darkness, completely sated. Draco moved upward along the sheets and lay beside me. He reached and hugged me to him and placed several kisses on my cheek.

Still breathing heavily, I moved into his hug feeling the same rush of love for him that I always feel after we make love. But this time something within me caused me to whisper words I had been to shy to utter until last night. I moved my face closer to his and I whispered against his lips, 'I love you, Draco.' My voice sounded a little unsteady due to my quickened breathing, but it carried the love I felt. Draco's eyes opened and filled with emotion. He appeared to be returning my sentiment and I thought he was going to voice it, but he didn't. He tightened his embrace and began to kiss me deeply. I pushed a hand into his hair and returned his fervent kiss.

I really had wanted to hear him say he loved me, even though his actions had suggested that very thing. I am so in love with him, I guess I wanted him to verbally confirm that the feeling is mutual between us. But I wasn't unhappy with his response.

We remained in the bed and actually fell asleep for a little while. The curfew had been lifted during the break, so we did not feel a need to rush back to the castle.

When we awoke and finally did get up to dress, following several long and lingering kisses, Draco's happiness was like that of a little boy. It made me happy to see him so thrilled as a result of making love with me; I felt elated as well. When we were dressed, he handed me my coat and began putting his on.

I buttoned up and started toward the door but he grabbed me about the waist, pulled me to him and planted a soft kiss on my lips. 'Wait for me.' He said with laughter in his voice.

He was struggling to get his wand situated in his coat. The pocket was narrow and something seemed to be keeping it from moving in smoothly. I reached out, knocking his wand out of the way, and stuck my hand in the pocket. The material inside had frayed, likely as a result of Draco's wand handle constantly piercing it.

I pulled out my own wand and aimed it at the pocket. 'Reparo' I said softly. Then I took his wand and slid it easily into the pocket.

He started laughing, 'it was frayed inside?'

I nodded, 'duh' I said as if he were a bit slow in the head.

He laughed harder and began buttoning his coat. 'It didn't occur to me it would be frayed inside, it is an expensive coat.' His voice was still filled with laughter. 'But thanks, hero' he said, grabbing my cheeks and planting a hot wet kiss on my lips.

I laughed when he released me and rolled my eyes, 'first term hero' I said, referring to the fact that we had all learned the spell long ago. Draco laughed again, placed his arm around me and we left the room together.

We apparated to the gates of Hogwarts together as well. There were few people around during the vacation and besides, sneaking around didn't seem that important anymore. We kissed each other again at the gates and Draco held me a moment telling me again how special the night had been for him. I told him it had been very special for me also and then we kissed again before making our way inside toward the castle. When we arrived in the entrance hall, Draco winked at me and I blew him a kiss before we parted for our separate houses.

I came to Gryffindor to write to you diary but to my surprise Ron was sitting on his bed when I entered the dorm room.

'Harry' he called happily as I entered.

'Ron' I responded infusing cheer into my voice. I did feel pleasure at seeing my friend but the time and place were all wrong. I foresaw the last few days of my vacation plans with Draco crumbling before my eyes.

'Hermione and I came back early to keep you company.' Ron told me, his voice still very jolly.

'That's great,' I lied.

Ron took my words at face value however. 'It's awfully late, where have you been Harry? Hermione and I arrived a couple of hours ago and I have been waiting up for you.'

I felt myself flushing a little so I walked over to my bed and took my time opening the bed curtain. 'Oh I just went out with a few people to the lake, you know, doing what we can to stay merry.'

Ron chuckled behind me. 'Well, no more boredom, Hermione and I are here to rescue you.'

I sat on the bed, and looked at Ron's smiling face and I smiled too. 'That was really nice of you guys' I said. I was suddenly feeling very sad but I think Ron thought I was tired.

'Well, let's get some sleep' he said, 'tomorrow I'll fill you in on all that happened at the Burrows, we still have five whole days of fun before the term starts.'

I smiled again, my last one had faded. 'Great, I can't wait to hear.' I lied again.

He turned and got into bed and I disrobed and got into mine shortly after that. I closed the curtain but thankfully Ron didn't turn the light out. I have been writing ever since, but I have reached the conclusion that I will have to tell Hermione and Ron about Draco and I tomorrow, diary.

It is a frightening thought but I want to spend time with Draco – lots of time. I love Ron and Hermione, but I can't be with them all of the time through the rest of the holidays. Sadly, I can't think of any way to avoid being with them the whole time unless I tell them the truth, and that is exactly what I am going to do.

Good night sweet diary, I am off to relive another of the most perfect nights of my life and dream about Draco and his beautiful lips.


	10. Chapter 10

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 10: **

**December 27**

Oh God Diary. What a damn mess I am in now. It never seems to fail; just when my life is looking more beautiful than ever, Wham! It is like the black cloud that has followed me all of my life did not dissipate when the war ended.

I have been sitting here an hour not knowing what to do. I have to meet with Dumbledore in an hour, but I can't sit thinking anymore. I thought I would write to you, maybe it will help me work things out.

About two hours ago, Ron and I met Hermione in the common room and we sat and talked about their vacations. When they had given me all of the details they asked me what I had been doing and looked at me expectantly. I told them about my sessions with Dumbledore and then I went silent.

Ron asked what I had been doing to keep myself busy and laughingly said I was up to something because I had come in so late the evening before. But I didn't laugh with him, I looked up and I blurted it out diary. I have known them so many years now you would think I would be comfortable enough to tell them about something as major as my bisexuality without terror in my heart. I was scared to death however, but determined. Sneaking around to meet with Draco over the next five days and spending what would be a great number of hours less with him each day was out of the question. I adore Hermione and Ron and I want to be with them, especially since they came back just for me. But I have to spend time with Draco now; he is like my boyfriend – even if we haven't really discussed it.

But I was frightened and nervous and as usual when I get like that, instead of thinking about the best way to tell them, I suddenly said, 'the truth is, I have spent everyday of the break with Draco and Draco and I are together now.' My voice was terribly unsteady but I managed to dash it all out just like that.

They both looked at me with the same stunned expression they had looked at me with in Defense class.

'You are friends with Malfoy now?' Hermione asked me after a few silent moments.

I figured neither of them understood what I meant and I knew I had to be more frank. I couldn't look at them though, I looked down in my lap and my voice dropped several decibels. I stuttered through my next statement as if someone were choking it out of me. 'I am - bisexual and Draco and I are _together_' I said putting emphasis on the last word.

They understood then! Ron flushed a deep red and stood up all of the sudden looking at me like he didn't know who the hell I was anymore and marched up here to our dorm room. Hermione flushed as well, but bless her; she stayed by my side and simply stared at me with astonishment written across her face. I didn't say anything; I didn't know what to say.

After what seemed like ten years she finally spoke though. She schooled her features into calmness, it was evident she was doing it for my benefit. 'Harry, what happened? I mean you liked girls, you always liked girls. I mean, you and I, we were, I mean-" But her voice ran down and she looked at her lap.

I remember swallowing before I spoke and it was loud to my ears. 'I do like girls Hermione. I said I was bisexual not homosexual and what you and I had was, and will always be, special to me. But we just stopped and this other part of me came out and now I am – I am in love with Draco.' I flushed a deep red when I said it; I still don't know where I got the nerve up to say it.

I expected Hermione to react negatively, maybe violently as Ron had. But she didn't. She got up from her chair, walked to mine and sat right onto my lap and hugged me. I was shocked to say the least but I found myself hugging her tightly in return. I felt my eyes starting to sting at her show of affection and I didn't want to let her go, but she eventually shrugged out of my grasp.

Hermione sat down and we talked a bit more, she asked how Draco and I got together and how I figured out I was bisexual. When I told her she assured me that she was not in love with me and that she still supported me and loved me as a friend. I did start crying a little when she finished. It was just like when we were involved in the war effort, she had stuck by my side through thick and thin then too.

She said that she would try to talk to Ron and said rather unconvincingly that she thought Ron would come around soon too. She then told me not to worry about being with them so much during the break even though I assured her I wanted to spend time with them. But she just smiled and said she knew what it was like when you are newly in love with someone. She said that she had been seeing someone also and that is why she knew. However, when I asked her who it was she wouldn't say. She just said, 'you told us when you were ready Harry, I will also.'

That was the only wonderful part of my morning so far. I came back here to see if I could at least talk to Ron a little and he was sitting on his bed frowning deeply. I went over and sat down next to him and apologized for not having told him about me before. I don't know why I apologized; it just seemed as if he would expect it.

He looked up at me with anger in his eyes and he said 'how could you do that with Draco, Harry? How could you be with him? I am your best friend; I have always been your best friend.'

I didn't understand what his being my best friend had to do with my being with Draco, even though I know they hate one another, we all used to hate one another. But things change. I looked at him in confusion because I didn't know what he meant and I said 'what?'

And then Ron started to cry. He was sobbing actually and I felt stunned and really bad at the same time. It was like my deciding to love Draco had broken some trust between us or something. I had no idea why he would react with tears though, I expected anger. The tears made me feel worse than I would have felt if he had been raving and shouting at me.

And then diary, god diary, I still can't believe it. Ron leaned toward me and kissed me! He pressed his lips to mine and held them there. I was astounded. I was so stupefied I just sat there looking at him, his eyes closed, his face wet and red, terribly close to my face and his lips connected to mine. After a few moments my senses finally returned and I pulled back from him. Ron opened his eyes and they were full of pain but there was also hope within their depths.

Seeing it I began to shake my head. 'Ron, I'm so sorry Ron; I am in love with Draco.'

Ron stood up and looked at me like I had just killed his entire family, and then marched from the room.

I have no idea what to do now. I am still in shock, I had no idea. I mean Ron likes me? I don't know when he discovered he liked me or that he might even like men. I want to ask Hermione but I don't have any desire to go downstairs and possibly face Ron; although I will have to leave in a half an hour for Dumbledore's study. After that I am to meet Draco and we are going to do something together. Now I think that we will be having a conversation! I hope he has some helpful advice. He is so beautiful I am sure he has found himself in this situation in the past.

God diary, oh god.


	11. Chapter 11

**The Private Diary of Harry Potter **

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 11: **

**December 27**

Hello Harry's diary. My name is Draco and I am pleased to have the honor of writing the final entry in your life. I had to beg and plead and finally threaten Harry that I would refuse to allow him any contact with my mouth unless he let me read you before he destroyed you. However, I agree that he should destroy you.

When I recall Harry's face when he told me that upon arriving back in Gryffindor, after his meeting with Dumbledore, he found Ron sitting on his bed reading you (and that he had completed reading all of your entries), I wanted to destroy you too. (Great job at being a magical diary by the way. I blame you for Harry's pain. Your job is so easy, all you had to do was keep your wizard owner's most cherished thoughts secret and you failed. For that reason I shall enjoy assisting Harry in destroying you.)

However, I am glad he allowed me to see all of the beautiful things he has written about our relationship. Of course I recall every event, how could I not? But it was really beautiful to hear it from Harry's point of view. Now, before we destroy you, I want to allow him to see it from my side. So I will use you one last time, if he lets me. He is here beside me and if he keeps touching me the way he is doing I may not get through this.

But since Harry is going to be the sole reader diary, I am going to write it for his eyes. I hope you don't mind, not that I care if you do.

Harry, first let me say I am sorry about what you are dealing with in relation to Ron. I know you love him a lot, you guys have been friends most of your lives. But because of that, you can rest assured that one day he will be able to put his feelings aside and the two of you will be friends again. However, in the meantime, tell him that if he tries to kiss you again, your boyfriend will kill him.

Now, to what I wanted to write. Harry we have progressed a lot since those days when you were so timid and I had to take the lead in everything. You were so damn innocent, and that was so damn attractive to me. In some ways you are still very innocent and it is an endearing quality.

I was never as innocent as you when I first started experimenting with men. Remember I told you I knew I was bisexual because I found myself completely captivated by a man? Well I was never with that man because he was unattainable, so I moved on and had other encounters to experiment with my new found feelings. But I went after it wholeheartedly once I recognized the desire within me. That was one of the reasons that your innocence amazed me. You didn't even know what you wanted, you just wanted me. I thought that was the most beautiful thing in the world. Another reason is because you are not innocent in many things. You are a very powerful wizard and an incredible Quidditch player and in these and many other facets of your life you are forthright, strong and completely lack timidity. But when it came to relationships and ours in particular, it was like you were a baby. You were always so embarrassed and always amazed when I recognized the root of your embarrassment. Although Snape and I have started working on the legilimens spell, I haven't progressed much at all. But it was very simple to understand what was passing through your mind; it was in your body language, your eyes and every move you made.

When I first saw desire in your eyes instead of the normal hatred we have always shown one another, I was sure I was mistaken. But when I saw it again and again, I took the chance and kissed you in Defense class. When you aimed your wand at me that day but didn't jinx me, I knew for certain. But I felt like you had to at least reach the point where you could verbally admit you wanted me before I made anymore moves.

But don't think for a minute that I was not dreaming nightly about your dark beauty, your blazing green eyes and your incredible body (your war developed muscles bring me to a sweat when I think about them). I don't think you realize how sexy you are. Even back when I thought you could never be interested in me, I couldn't help but look at you with desire, or move as close as possible to you during a hex war or in class. You are damn gorgeous.

But thankfully we have come a long way since those days. One thing I have always treasured is your obsession with my mouth – everything about your obsession drives me wild. I knew from the start that my mouth seemed to hold some kind of spell over you. Well just so you know; I feel that way about your entire body, from head to toe. But I love the way you fixate on my mouth, you get this slight glazed look in your eyes and you stare at my mouth as if it were some sort of god. You reach out and delicately touch my lips in awe and you kiss them like they are a precious gift to mankind; and when you suck them…I want to ravish you. It is really beautiful to me. Of course when I began showing you all of the terrific things I could do for you with my mouth, your reactions were quite special too. On that note, I have fallen incredibly in love with your mouth as well.

Another thing I cherished was your sexual naivety, not just with me, but in general. I know you were with Mudblood before (sorry old habits die hard – although for you I will attempt to use Granger in public from here on out), but it was clear that the two of you had only nipped sexuality in the bud. Everything seemed new to you and because it was with me, it was – in a way. But beyond that, it was because you had never been with an experienced person, someone who knew how to bring you to the ecstasy you are capable of. I liked it that you thought it was all about me. You seemed to rule out your inexperience and determined that I was the reason for all of the extraordinary pleasures you were having. I shouldn't tell you that, but I think the world of you and it is the truth, so I have to tell you.

Harry, our time together is very special to me and I relish the thought that the future holds so much for us. Your December 26 entry went right to my heart. When you told me you loved me that night I hadn't expected it. I was so happy to hear those words. Hearing you say that, after having just 'given you my love' for the first time (as you put it), rendered me speechless. You were right when you guessed that my actions were trying to tell you the same thing, Harry; when I hugged you to me and kissed you. But I didn't, and in fact, still haven't come right out and told you how I feel, how I have felt for a long while. And yet it is so obvious that everyone who knows me at all already knows. I love you like mad Harry; from the top of your wild hair to your toes and all parts in between.

I go after what I want, like you Harry, but we all have areas in which that attribute does not shine; areas where we are more vulnerable. For you it is in the area of relationships, for me it is in the area of breaking new ground. What is amazing to me is how quickly you overcome your vulnerabilities, I, on the other hand take a more circuitous route. But what might be amazing to you is to know that you were the unattainable man who I had feelings for in the first place; the reason I began exploring my bisexuality.

**The End**

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